Routine maintenance in the average household is ongoing. The heating and cooling system is checked annually or semi-annually. The pest control company comes by quarterly to make sure the home is pest free. The pool company comes weekly to clean and chlorine.
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Author: Pat Gaudette
What Love Means
“Love Story” with Ali McGraw and Ryan O’Neal was a very popular movie in the 1960’s. The most famous line in the movie is the often repeated “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry.”
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Perfect Rule For Marriage
In my opinion, the Golden Rule should be the first rule you should follow if you want to have a successful marriage. There are many versions throughout history, in various religions, and in most cultures, but all versions basically distill to: Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You.
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Is Divorce The Only Answer?
When I was doing research for a cheating spouse feature it seemed most of the advice, suggestions and even “spy” techniques I found were aimed at gathering evidence that could be used to justify divorce.
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How Young Is Too Young For Marriage?
He wanted to know what I thought about child marriages and the appropriate age for a child to get married. He said his 10-year-old daughter wanted to marry her 13-year-old boyfriend and he was looking for advice.
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Running From Control
I have edited her email to remove names and other identifying information:
“I have an 18 year old who quit school her senior year because she is in love with a 20 year old guy. I am furious because this guy wanted her to quit school to get her away from the other guys. She moved out of our house and has been living with this guy. We are definitely estranged. What is a mother to do with a daughter so messed up?”
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Would This Teen Marriage Survive?
She is 16, a junior in high school, and planning to marry her 19-year-old boyfriend when she turns 17 this summer. She says she’s “done the math” and figured out that it would be better to marry now than to wait until she graduates from high school particularly since it would also get her out of her parents’ “not-so-great” home. She says she’ll use birth control but “if there is a mistake” she’ll “take care of it and love it.”
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Family Divorce Problems
He said his wife’s brother is going through a very nasty divorce that is threatening his 17-year marriage. He says too many things have gone wrong when he’s tried to be a friend to his brother-in-law for him to want to be friends with him and his new girlfriend. He and his wife are unable to come to acceptable terms about the situation.
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Marriages that Last, Marriages that Don’t (or Shouldn’t)
Life is too short no matter how long in physical years it may run to stay in an unhappy marriage. This does not mean that I believe every marriage with conflict should end in divorce. Each of us must evaluate our own situation and then make the decision to either make our marriage work or end it and move forward taking the knowledge we have gained with us so that our next marriage can be successful.
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“Till Death Do Us Part…”
Whew! You never thought you’d get to this spot, but you’re here! Married. Committed. “‘Til death do you part.” Time to relax, take it easy, all the hard work’s done. Wrong! The hard work is just beginning! Keeping the sizzle and romance in a marriage is a full time job, and a lot more difficult than keeping the flame in courtship.
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What’s Wrong With Being Married
For some people, “I do” spells the end of a perfect relationship. Some couples should never get married. Or, at least, not until they understand how marriage is going to change the way they “see” each other.
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Young Love
The emotion of love has no age limits connected to it. We are capable of loving at any age. The maturity of our love, and the durability of our love are unique to each of us and the specific relationships we enter. The reasons for our love change with our needs.
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Teen Marriages
He is 18, his girlfriend is 15, and he says they are each others soul mates. He feels that people put too much emphasis on “things” like income and not enough on “love.” He feels that with love, everything else can be handled. He’s upset that “society” places such a high value on having a good job and making lots of money. He says it’s hypocritical that he could join the Army when he was 17 but wasn’t old enough to get married.
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Teenager In Love
She’s 15 and in love with her 19-year-old boyfriend. They’ve been dating for almost a year and she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. She wants to get married now instead of finishing school, college, and starting a career. She doesn’t know how to tell him that she doesn’t want to wait until he has a successful career or his college completed. She says her parents don’t understand the depth of her love.
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Marital Bait And Switch
Have you noticed how people change when they get married? Not all changes are bad, they’re a part of becoming a good wife or good husband. But sometimes, a person changes so much that their spouse is unable to remember exactly what it was about them that they loved so much in the first place.
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Define Your Bottom Line
If your marriage has turned into an endurance contest, where each day is stressful and all you can think about is escape, it’s likely time to define just how much you’re willing to do before calling it quits. In other words, define your bottom line for your marriage.
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Married Homosexual Men
Not all women are married to men who desire them sexually. They settle for a passionless marriage with a man who prefers men instead. Some women know their husbands are gay while other women are afraid there is something terribly wrong with them that keeps their husband at a distance.
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The “Don’t Leave Home Alone” Plan
Let me say up front that I don’t endorse this particular plan for leaving a marriage. My personal conviction is that one should have enough courage to leave the marriage and THEN seek another partner. There is considerable courage necessary to leave home without a safety net in place. Not everyone is ready to make such a leap, nor take such a gamble.
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Assuming Responsibility
If there’s one undeniable truth we all eventually learn, it’s that we are ultimately responsible for the outcome of our own lives. We cannot control the forces of nature, “Acts of God,” or the acts of other people. How our lives are played out, what we get and give, is under our control.
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When Divorce Starts
Divorce begins long before the legalities start. Divorce begins when your marriage turns sour, when you wonder if it’s worth the fight, when the gentle touch turns to abuse, when the occasional drink turns into uncontrolled alcoholism, or when you learn your spouse hasn’t been truthful in the relationship and knowing that truth you begin deciding whether you should stay or go.
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Divorce
If you are experiencing turmoil in your marriage, or the loneliness of divorce, let me welcome you to “my place” and let me assure you that the pain does get less and less with time. I’d like to share some thoughts and ideas with you. Some might make you angry, some might give you hope.
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New Marriage: Stay Or Go?
They’ve been married for less than a year and apparently there’s not been much good about their marriage so far. They dated five years prior to their wedding and things weren’t so great then either but they went ahead with the marriage anyway. She’s now met someone who she likes and doesn’t know how to tell her husband she wants a divorce.
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The Importance Of Trust
He wrote asking me to point him toward information about trust in a marriage. He said his wife didn’t trust him, not because he had betrayed the marriage but because she didn’t trust him to do anything — from managing their finances to planning vacations — as well as she could.
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If You Don’t Have Trust, What Have You Got?
Can you remember when you first stopped trusting someone you loved? Or perhaps stopped trusting an acquaintance? You weren’t born mistrusting other people. You learned to hold back your complete trust the first time, or the second time, or the third time you got hurt for trusting someone who was less than honest with you.
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Giving Up Or Being Realistic?
Stay or go? It’s one of the top questions when someone starts looking for information about divorce. Should they try to save save their marriage or should they call it quits? The answer is unique to each of us.
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Too Many Bad Times
During their 12-year marriage, his wife had cancer surgery, they faced bankruptcy, his mother died, their home was vandalized, and his wife left him and their young son to be with her boyfriend. After leaving, she told everyone he was abusive which he says was a lie. Therapy didn’t work and their attempts at reconciliation leave him scared and confused. He doesn’t know what to do.
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His Wife Wants A Divorce
After 25 years, his wife wants out of their marriage. He admits that their marriage has problems and says he hasn’t been the best husband. They’ve been barely speaking and sleeping in separate bedrooms. He wants her to go to counseling with him but says she isn’t willing to attempt to fix what’s broken. He’s facing a job transfer as well as divorce.
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New Marriage In Trouble
They’ve been married four months; they had a five month courtship. Friends warned him that she had an unsavory past but he brushed off their concerns. Now he finds that she has lied about her past as well as the present. He says he married for life but doesn’t know how he can live with a habitual liar.
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Separation Anxiety?
She has tried to walk away from her marriage four times but always returns because she misses her husband and feels she could never love anyone else. They have separate bedrooms, no common interests, no closeness. Is fear of the unknown bringing her back to a marriage she needs to end?
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Are Their Needs Changing?
They have dealt with many serious issues throughout their 15-year marriage. Those issues have brought them to a crossroads. It’s time to commit and repair their marriage or let go and move on. She isn’t sure if she can get back the feelings she used to have for him.
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Marriage, The Least Understood Career Choice
Marriage is possibly the least understood, and most unprepared for, career choice a person can make. Don’t be fooled by the warm fuzzy feelings or the sexual energy of a good relationship. Marriage is hard work.
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They’ve Never Learned to Communicate
Her husband wants a divorce because he says they don’t communicate and he’s frustrated. She admits that she leaves the room rather than take part in arguments with him. Now she complains that he never let her know how he felt.
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Attitude Is Everything
What is your attitude (or mood) when you talk about your marriage? Are you negative, angry, resentful? Do you blame your spouse for problems within the marriage?
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He Wants Children, She Doesn’t
Their marriage seems perfect except for one thing: he wants children and she doesn’t. He’s willing to wait for her to change her mind but isn’t sure that she will and wonders if this is an irreconcilable difference that will lead to divorce.
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Marital Expectations
A week or so after my current husband and I were married, I asked him how he felt. He thought a moment and then said, “Comfortable.”
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Cutting Divorce Costs
Divorce can be extremely expensive; however, there are ways to keep some of the costs within reason. Thinking with your head instead of your heart is the first step when it comes to financial matters at divorce.
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Divorce And Taxes
The taxes you’re required to pay when you’re married may not be the same that you’ll be required to pay when you divorce. Here are some tax tips to consider. And remember, a financial consultant can be your best investment at this time.
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Celebrity Prenups
Prenuptial agreements aren’t just about marital assets although the monetary aspects are certainly where most spouses either win big or lose even bigger.
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Desperately Needs Financial Help
She is self-employed and struggling financially due to an expensive custody battle in a divorce that has been dragging on for several years. She says her husband is hiding assets which has resulted in her paying him child support. She’s looking for financial aid to pay her bills and her attorney’s fees.
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How To Divide Marital Property
Deciding who gets what can get pretty heated during divorce. Depending upon how much the two of you are able to work together, there are ways to keep the asset division somewhat simple.
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Not All Baggage Is Bad
We enter this world with no baggage. As we grow and experience life itself, we begin packing our “baggage.” We learn that if we do “this,” “that” will be the result. If we’re quick learners we don’t need three bags for some of life’s lessons that can be packed into one bag.
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Separated And Expecting Commitment
She wants a commitment from her boyfriend who she says is “skittish” about committing to their relationship. There’s just one problem: she is separated and just starting the legal process of divorce.
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He Wants to Reconcile, She Doesn’t
He supported her through medical school but she has found someone else she’d rather be with and now lives in their marital house with her new boyfriend. He wants her to pay him alimony so he can return to school while she wants him to pay her more money to complete a divorce he doesn’t want.
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Arrest Her For Fraud?
His wife had an affair and then divorced him even though he didn’t want to break up their family During the divorce, she forged his signature to a $3,000 check made out to the two of them. He wonders if he should have her arrested but worries what it might do to their two young children.
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The Right Words to Say Goodbye
She wrote: “I want to tell my husband I want a divorce and I am having a hard time coming up with the right words to say it.”
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Separation Contract
In a previous article, I suggested that putting together a strong Marriage Contract might be useful before getting married to help outline the responsibilities of each person during marriage. The contract would also, should it be necessary, provide a base for a “civilized” divorce.
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No Excuses For Abuse
At a business meeting, I refused to let one of the men in attendance take control of the meeting I was chairing. We had an exchange of words, and, when he didn’t get his way, he walked out of the meeting. I was glad I hadn’t been intimidated or allowed him to take control as he has been known to do in similar meetings.
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Recognizing Abuse
It’s easier to recognize abuse when it involves physical violence. Hitting, punching, beating leave marks that are obvious. If the person being abused is seeking help, the marks are obvious evidence to the abuse.
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Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is more than a husband hitting his wife or a wife battering her husband. It can turn quite deadly as it did when a wife ran over her husband for looking at another woman, or a man fatally shot his young daughter before killing himself.
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Abuse
Abuse takes a thousand forms. It touches our lives every day, whether it’s occurring in our house, the house next door, or the house across the city. Pick up today’s newspaper. There will be a story of abuse somewhere within the pages.
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