Life is too short no matter how long in physical years it may run to stay in an unhappy marriage. This does not mean that I believe every marriage with conflict should end in divorce. Each of us must evaluate our own situation and then make the decision to either make our marriage work or end it and move forward taking the knowledge we have gained with us so that our next marriage can be successful.
What does it take to keep a marriage together? I asked my mother-in-law at her 50th wedding anniversary party her secret for a successful marriage. She surprised me by saying that being married hadn’t always been easy, that having children made it even more important for the two of them to work to keep the marriage together. I was surprised because seeing how she and her husband interacted I couldn’t visualize them ever having marital conflicts of any major size.
On the other side, my mother was always unhappy because she wanted more for herself than what my father could provide but she just didn’t have the raw guts to walk away from the security he provided. She tried it once after we kids left home but she found it easier to hold on to the known than risk losing even that should my father decide to make a new life for himself without her.
Two couples, two long term marriages. One happy, one sad. My parents’ marriage continued because my father was willing to accept anything my mother was willing to give. He loved her that much. My in-laws’ marriage lasted because each of them worked to make it last. They loved each other that much.
Not all marriages can or will last so long because one or both of the people involved don’t love each other enough to put the effort into getting past the bad times. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment but too often it’s an “until I get tired of dealing with our problems” or an “until someone better comes along” commitment. And there are many marriages that should never have happened at all.
Some marriages will fail because all the love in the world isn’t reason enough to hold an abusive or alcoholic or addictive marriage together. Some of those marriages began with one person believing that marriage would miraculously “change” the other person, give them a reason to stop drinking, make them stop the abuse. When the alcoholic or abusive or addicted spouse won’t change, doesn’t want to change, or can’t see that there is even a problem, that’s the time for hard decisions.
No relationship is easy. Knowing when to forgive and stay and when to say “enough is enough” and go is difficult. One thing is certain: a marriage cannot survive when only one person is committed to it and willing to work to keep it together.
And a marriage cannot survive if one of the partners does not have the capacity of forgiveness if the other makes a mistake for which he or she is truly sorry.