Not all women are married to men who desire them sexually. They settle for a passionless marriage with a man who prefers men instead. Some women know their husbands are gay while other women are afraid there is something terribly wrong with them that keeps their husband at a distance.
Some “in the closet” husbands fortify the belief that their wife is the reason for their “not tonight, honey” approach to intimacy in the marriage.
Not all men in passionless marriages are gay. There can be many other reasons that a husband takes no intimate interest in his wife. There may be another woman, he might have a physical or psychological problem, or he may be asexual.
Not all gay/straight marriages are unhappy. There are couples who have made peace with each other and who accept each other’s preferences. They know and accept homosexuality in the relationship and remain happily married.
The gay spouse/straight spouse issue is not an issue for them as they focus on their love for each other and their families. “Sex is not the primary reason for being together” they say.
Not all gay men recognize their sexual orientation when they’re dating or when they marry. Some men may be more attracted to their own gender, confused as to why, and attempting to fight their feelings for other men. Some gay men may marry women in the belief the relationship will change the way they feel about their own gender.
It may take years before some men become comfortable enough with themselves to “come out” to themselves and to those they love. Many gay/straight marriages don’t survive once the husband “comes out.”
The following is excerpted with permission from Husbands Who Love Men by Arleen Alwood:
“A recent survey of sex therapists and psychiatrists who treat mostly men noted that the vast majority of their homosexual and bisexual patients (between 40 and 100 percent) kept their sexual preferences from their spouses (Hill 260). Those wives who do finally discover that their husbands are gay rarely, if ever, understand why they prefer other men. Indeed, the men themselves are often surprised to discover that they are homosexual or bisexual. In one study, 12 of the 60 married bisexual men interviewed were past 40 when they had their first homosexual relationship. These men reported that the first experience came entirely unexpectedly.
The researcher went on to conclude that ‘Men who live in conventional marriages and at the same time have significant love-sex relationships with members of their own sex are largely an invisible group in our society. However, there is evidence to suggest that they are not rare, only rarely identifiable’ (Brownfain 173-88).”
Throughout history, homosexual men have been wooing and marrying straight women in order to provide a safe cover for their true sexual orientation. But, as the previous excerpt states, not all married homosexual men realized their true orientation until years into their marriage. And, even then, they may be too ashamed to acknowledge their feelings for fear of reprisal.
More from Husbands Who Love Men: “As more homosexuals come out of the closet, society is finding it increasingly necessary to abandon the old, monolithic stereotype of gays as sexual perverts. “Society is beginning to recognize that gays are individuals who must be judged individually, if they are to be judged. Yet, at the same time, the old strictures against homosexuality, which are part of a larger prohibition against any sexual promiscuity, continue to find support among large segments of society.”
Some women will deny that the man they love is “truly” homosexual. Some women marry in the belief that with the “right woman” (themselves) their husband will lose his attraction to men.
Homosexual men may feel shame for their sexual orientation. Some men may be confused by their lack of sexual attraction to women and their strong attraction to men. Some men may hide behind displays of “manly” behavior to their attraction for and to women.
Adultery is a shattering experience, moreso when the “other woman” is a man. When a husband commits adultery with another man, it is overwhelmingly destructive to the wife, producing feelings that cannot be understood by women who have husbands who cheat with women. Some wives may fight to get their husband back from the other woman. When her husband’s lover is another man, she can consider her chances as being slim to none.
All marriages face challenges of various proportions. The homosexual or bisexual issue may be an insurmountable challenge for the majority of husbands, wives, and families affected by it.