We enter this world with no baggage. As we grow and experience life itself, we begin packing our “baggage.” We learn that if we do “this,” “that” will be the result. If we’re quick learners we don’t need three bags for some of life’s lessons that can be packed into one bag.
Parents try to shield their children from making some of the same mistakes they made at the same age. That works when the child is a preteen but most teens are likely to need to pack their own bags with the experience they get from their own actions, decisions and choices. Shielding may seem the “right” thing to do, but standing aside and keeping a watchful eye over a teen or adult child’s actions will help them gain the experience they need to navigate through life.
The child who grows up in a dysfunctional home will bring into a relationship baggage packed with experiences that their partner may have no coping skills to handle. In the ideal situation both people will realize that the relationship can survive if some of the baggage is left behind through counseling or other means. Most situations aren’t ideal and many marriages fail because of baggage packed while living in a dysfunctional home.
Every time a relationship fails, yet another item gets packed away. Every person we meet who hurts us adds yet another piece or two into one of our bags. The older we get, the more experiences we collect, the heavier our “baggage” becomes with its mix of positive and negative perceptions.
It is human nature to reach into our baggage and try to hand someone else experiences we have gathered so that they won’t have to go through the work or the pain we went through. Sometimes we find people who accept graciously what we hand to them. Other times it is turned away. That isn’t to say we should stop sharing just that perhaps we should choose what we share, who we share it with, and when we share it.
Relationships succeed when both people bring compatible “baggage” with them. The trick is to dump out those items that negatively impact future relationships and to keep those items that provide valuable relationship insights. Relationships fail when people are unable to get rid of influences from the past that prejudice their current perceptions.
Not all men are adulterers. Not all women are abusive. Yet someone whose marriage ended due to adultery may be carrying so much baggage from that betrayal that they cannot get past their pain to see that all marriages and all men are not the same. Someone else whose marriage was filled with abuse may need help carrying the heavy baggage they’ve accumulated but it may be difficult finding another person who is willing to share the load because they have all they can handle with their own baggage.
It is impossible to go through life without gathering baggage that you will carry with you into your relationships. The trick is to keep negative baggage from past relationships from becoming barriers that are impossibly high to overcome in new relationships. Sometimes all it takes is meeting someone who has matching baggage. And sometimes, before venturing out, it’s best to dump some of the baggage.