She wrote: “I want to tell my husband I want a divorce and I am having a hard time coming up with the right words to say it.”
Telling your husband or wife that you no longer want to be married to them is probably one of the most difficult parts of the divorce process. It’s not about finding the right words, it’s about making the right decision.
Fear enters into the process. How will they react? Will they become violent? Will they hurt you? Will they hurt themselves? Will they try to use physical strength to keep you in the marriage, or will they try to turn family and friends against you?
If you want the divorce, you can be assured that at some point, the divorce will become your fault. It will not matter if their actions were so intolerable that you could not continue in the marriage any longer, it will still be your fault. Your spouse will be the one who is being “dumped” and many dumped spouses know how to play the sympathy factor to the max.
You may still love your spouse but love alone may not be enough to overcome problems within the marriage. Love cannot conquer alcoholism or drug abuse. Love cannot conquer domestic violence or abuse. Love cannot stop a spouse determined to commit adultery. You may love them, but your own need for self-preservation may mean that you cannot live with them any longer. Love cannot conquer all.
How do you say “I want a divorce”? When you are completely certain that it is the right thing for you, the words will come. If you have any doubts at all, it is not the right thing. If you have any doubts at all, seek counseling, talk it out, take your time, think it through.
Some marriages occur when they shouldn’t. It’s something that seems right to do at the time, but one or both of the people involved are thinking short term, not lifetime. Some divorces occur the same way. It seems the only way to solve a problem at the time. Divorce is a last resort, not a short term solution. Divorce is too damaging to all participants — husband, wife, children, family, friends — to be anything but the last resort.
Some marriages appear to be made in heaven — the perfect couple with the perfect love– the love that will last a lifetime. Only it doesn’t last, at least it doesn’t for one of the partners. People grow apart, their needs change. Divorce becomes inevitable.
There are many reasons why marriages fail. Explaining to your marital partner why you no longer love him or her — or why you love them but you no longer want to be married to them — is an extremely difficult task. It may be the most difficult task you’ll ever face.
If you cannot find the words, it may be that you aren’t yet ready to let go. Finding the words, and saying them, is the last step in the decision-making process and the first step into a new life. Before you say the words, be absolutely certain that new life is the one you want.
How did you say goodbye? Once you are absolutely sure you are making the right decision, the words will come.