For some people, “I do” spells the end of a perfect relationship. Some couples should never get married. Or, at least, not until they understand how marriage is going to change the way they “see” each other.
Do you remember how you felt when you were dating your husband or wife? Remember the passion? The way time stood still when the two of you were apart, and how it flew when the two of you were together?
Do you remember how you couldn’t wait to kiss and hug and proclaim your eternal devotion to each other? Do you remember the fire in your body, the passion you shared?
Do you remember how you felt when you thought it was over when you’d had a disagreement? How you couldn’t think of anything or anyone else? It seemed as though he or she consumed all of your thoughts, all of your days.
You exchanged cards and mushy notes. She (or he) sent you flowers. A few hours of passion stolen from the middle of the day kept you inflamed. She (or he) was your perfect soulmate. It was lust. It was passion. It was love.
And then you got married.
It’s still the two of you, the same man who set your senses on fire, the same woman you wanted above all others. But now, the passion has ebbed. The romance has diminished. What has changed?
“I almost tore up the license,” Jason said about his wedding day. “She changed as soon as the vows were done, even before the day was over!” He and his ex-wife lived together for several years before tying the knot (he said it was more like a noose). Theirs was a perfect relationship. “I guess she figured she’d better be as good as possible while we weren’t married, because I could walk if I wasn’t happy. But she figured once we were married, she had a lock on me. How could I have misjudged so badly?”
Some people believe that the marriage license is an ownership license, granting them complete control over their partner. In Jason’s case, once he was married, his mild-mannered girlfriend turned into a controlling, demanding wife. Had this been a complete switch or was she always controlling and demanding? As live-togethers, there was enough space in the relationship that she could hide her true personality, and Jason was still in the lust and passion stage which clouded his vision of her.
Some partners are turned off by the real person who wakes up beside them in the morning. Everyone takes some preparation to look their best. Morning breath is a reality. So are a lot of other sights and sounds best left unsaid. But this is the reality of living with someone full time.
For some, being married can turn familiarity into a curse. It is easy to understand why a man would be less than happy to go to bed with a wife who had curlers in her hair or who was wearing oversized sweats and torn underwear. In these times, with modern conveniences and some common sense, there is no reason that a woman should appear in public or go to bed with her hair in curlers. Electric curlers and curling irons take ten minutes or less to accomplish the same thing that eight to twelve hours worth of curlers will do.
Every person should care enough about themselves to look their best as much as possible. Clean clothes, good hygiene, good grooming are all common sense. It is not unusual for couples to gain weight after marriage as they settle into a routine of regular meals together. Some women gain weight with their first pregnancy and never lose it, adding pounds with each subsequent pregnancy.
A preoccupation with appearance may place too much importance on an area over which we do not have complete control. The natural aging process will produce sags and bags no amount of exercise, diet and surgery can erase.
An unhealthy preoccupation with physical perfection will mean the marriage partner’s needs are probably being overlooked. The hours spent at the gym toning and tightening, could be spent boating, bowling, beaching, or walking through a flea market with a mate. Which is the most effective quality time for a relationship?
“I look at the two of them together. They’re so perfect, it’s hard to imagine he and I used to look just as perfect together.” Mona has been divorced for a year. “He said I’d changed,” she says softly. “He’s right. When we were dating, I had plenty of time to prepare for our dates, get my hair done at least once a week, my nails, sometimes I’d treat myself to a pedicure. And I was always shopping for just the ‘right outfit’ to look my best for him. I had the time. As his wife, I had a house to maintain, meals to prepare, laundry to oversee, and a husband to please.
Did I mention I also have a stress-filled sales job? Or that I ended up with the responsibility of his kids when they came to visit? I didn’t get married and gain another 24 hours every day. Something had to go and it was the shopping and the beauty treatments and those other things I did when I had time to fill waiting for our next date. He couldn’t adjust to having a wife, he wanted a girlfriend. And you know, now that I have time for myself again, and he only sees me when I’m looking my best, he’s starting to show some interest in me again.”