I knew before I got married the first time that marrying the man I did would be a mistake. We had nothing in common, and I can’t even say we were ever friends. We dated off and on for several years and even that didn’t go smoothly. We just weren’t a good match.
Why did we get married if our relationship wasn’t so great? No doubt it was a classic case of need in both of our lives — a need that each fulfilled for the other. Ours wasn’t a unique situation. There are many couples who marry, not because they’re in love, but because they’re in need. They have a workable co-dependent relationship. That’s what brought us together and kept us together.
My first marriage lasted 15 years. That’s a long time to be with someone you don’t like and who doesn’t like you. It’s not a unique situation. My husband didn’t love me but he didn’t want to divorce me either. He was comfortable with the habits we had developed over the years. He was content to keep things as they were.
I was miserably unhappy but afraid to step outside the boundaries of the life I knew. Even though I excelled in a responsible, high-pressure career, the thought of walking out of my marriage terrified me. How could I possibly survive on my own? I had never been on my own in my life!
The fear of failure nagged at me. Divorce meant I was a failure. If my husband would file for the divorce, it would be his failure, not mine. The last few years of marriage, my constant wish was that my husband would make the move that would set me free. He never did. For him, our life together was at least tolerable. He didn’t want to leave, or perhaps, he was just as terrified of being on his own as I was.
Making the decision to leave was like climbing up the ladder to the high diving board. Leaving meant I’d actually have to dive off the board. Fear and insecurity kept me from making a move. I had never been on my own, having moved from my parents’ home into my marital home. There had always been someone who provided the illusion of support. How in the world could I possibly exist without such a “safety net”?
I doubted my own capabilities. What would happen to me if I failed? There would be no one to run to, no one to make it all right, no one to correct my errors. Years passed while I attempted to get enough courage to take a chance and believe in myself. Making the decision to leave wasn’t the hardest part. The hardest part was opening the door and walking through it.
When I reached the point of realization that nothing would change unless I made the move, mistake or not, I told my husband I was leaving. He was stunned. He was angry. We sat in facing chairs while he accused me of adultery, assuming I would only leave him if there was someone else to take care of me.
We continued to hash out our differences in a dialogue which was filled with anger but no tears or promises on either side. I think he realized there was no foundation on which to rebuild. To make a point, I asked him to list some things he liked about me, and he couldn’t list even one minor thing. I knew my decision was right and, for the first time in years, maybe in my life, I felt like I was making a good and proper decision for the rest of my life.
My timing was horrible. Everything fell into place the week before Thanksgiving, a terrible time to tell someone you want a divorce! I tried to wait out the holidays but the need to formalize my leaving, to finally come out in the open, was just too strong. I told my husband I was divorcing him two days before Thanksgiving and the start of the annual “holiday dinners” with his family.
He asked that I stay through the holidays, not say anything to his family, and leave after the first of the new year. I agreed. We play-acted through Thanksgiving dinner with his family. The only thing that made it tolerable for me was knowing it was getting close to my last holiday gathering with them. We still had Christmas and New Year’s to go.
Returning home after Thanksgiving dinner, I tried to figure out why I was forcing myself to stay. There were no children to consider and even if there were, is there ever a good time to end a marriage? Why was I staying for his family? If we stayed together through Christmas and New Year’s, and then I left immediately afterward, wouldn’t they be angry that the “holiday happy face” had been a sham?
Was I staying for him? Why? I considered the marriage over, and he’d already given his ultimatums: leave with nothing or he’d fight me in court. There was never going to be a good time. There would always be a “holiday” or family birthday or other celebration that I’d ruin. It was time I stopped trying to please everyone else and time to start pleasing me. The sooner I got started, the sooner the healing process would begin for all of us.
The day after Thanksgiving I looked for an apartment. When I got home, I told my husband I’d found an apartment and signed a lease. “When you leave,” he said, “put your keys on the table, it’ll be the last time you’re allowed in this house. And don’t try to take anything with you!! If you take anything, I’ll fight you in court!” I wanted out and material possessions weren’t as important to me as my freedom. I wanted out! Now!!
My husband left the house the morning of my move. He said he expected me gone when he returned. I packed my things quickly, and as I walked through the front door, my set of keys on the kitchen table, I turned and looked back one last time. I felt no regret.
Because I was giving up everything, there was no reason for my husband to fight the divorce. I hired the attorney, paid the court and filing costs, took care of all the legalities, and in a very short time, our marriage was over.
I surprised myself with my self-sufficiency. All the fears that had kept me from leaving the “security” of my marriage were gone. I was luckier than most women I knew because I had no children and I had a good paying career. I could support myself and actually at a better level than when I was married.
Loneliness was not new to me, it was a standard part of my marriage. I found that being alone and being lonely are two separate things. Even though I was alone after my divorce, I wasn’t experiencing the incredible loneliness I had while married. I made friends with several divorced women from my apartment complex and we helped each other get back into the social scene.
From the time I walked out of that front door, I knew I had the power to take care of myself. It is an awesome power, indeed, and one that is within us all.