Some time ago, a husband wrote to complain about his wife. She was abusive, argumentative, demanding. He was considering divorce because he was unhappy with her treatment of him. There was another part to this story and it involved someone from his past, who had never really been out of his thoughts throughout his marriage, who had just recently reestablished contact with him.
I asked him to consider whether his wife’s behavior was her “inner child’s” response to his attention to his female friend and that perhaps she was desperately afraid she would lose him to this other woman. He considered this possibility and then approached his wife from this viewpoint. What he learned surprised him: she was, indeed, afraid her marriage would end and her behavior was the only way she knew to try to protect herself from the pain of his leaving.
When he thought about his wife’s behavior in this fashion, he was able to see her not as the ‘bitch’ but as the frightened child. It moved their relationship to a new level, a more solid ground for each of them. Once she understood why she was feeling and reacting the way she was, she stopped her offensive behavior. Once he understood why she was reacting the way she was, he began displaying a more caring and committed attitude toward her.
When your spouse is brash and hurtful, perhaps even loud and dominating, do you ever stop to think that maybe their inner child is terribly scared and putting up a false front? Is your inner child fearful of getting hurt?
Sometimes our inner child takes control and we are desperately unhappy but clueless as to the cause or cure. Some people allow their inner child to rule — “My inner child is a brat, but what am I to do?”
When was the last time you got in touch with your inner child? When was the last time you sat and talked with your spouse about his or her inner child? Are your inner child’s needs keeping you in a painful relationship?