On June 10, 1998, at the Southern Baptist Convention’s annual meeting, it was stated that “women should ‘submit graciously’ to their husbands’ leadership.” This is part of the faith’s new statement of beliefs. Part of the new 18th Article of the Baptist Faith and Message reads, “A wife is to submit graciously to the servant leadership of her husband, even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.”
According to the article, husband and wife are of equal worth before God, but a husband’s responsibility is to provide for, protect and lead the family, whereas the wife has “the God-given responsibility to respect her husband and to serve as his ‘helper’ in managing their household and nurturing the next generation.”
We’d better rethink this marriage thing. If we were to take this statement literally, then the whole concept of marriage should be rethought. Marriage would have to be a complete and total commitment for such a concept to work. Marriage vows would have to truly mean something!
Adopting such a statement and applying it in today’s society would mean a return to those “Leave It To Beaver” days when the wife was a full time, stay at home, wife and mother who delighted in wearing an apron, scrubbing floors, baking cookies, and putting a made-from-scratch dinner on the table at 6 o’clock every night.
As I recall, television’s version was a delightful lady, a bit mindless, but certainly warm and comfortable. Good ol’ dad went happily to the office each and every day, worked hard, took whatever was handed to him without complaint. He didn’t work weekends, those he spent mowing the yard or shooting hoops with his sons. He took care of the financial aspects of the household, and there always was enough money to pay the bills and have a little something left to put away “for a rainy day.” He was a truly responsible and reliable fellow.
Let’s not forget the children, those shining, smiling faces, always speaking when spoken to, always remembering to honor their father and mother. Remember how the family spent their evenings gathered around the television in the living room? Mom, still wearing her apron, perched on the arm of the sofa, ready to get that next glass of iced tea for her faithful husband? Dad, smiling and complacent, puffing on his pipe, king of his world. The kids on the floor, playing Scrabble, their homework already done.
Yep. Those truly were wonderful times. May I see a show of hands if I’ve just described your marriage. Or your parents’ marriage. May I see a show of hands if you’ve experienced abuse or adultery or violence or the effects of alcoholism in your marriage? How about a show of hands if your marriage is coming apart despite everything you’re doing to keep it together? How about a show of hands if you’d like a return to the way marriage used to be? Or, at least, the way we thought it was supposed to be.
Do not mistake how I feel about marriage! I was brought up to believe marriage lasted forever. I was brought up to believe a woman should be secondary to a man within a marriage. I was brought up to believe my role was to support my husband, regardless.
I entered into marriage with those beliefs despite the example of my parents’ marriage. Those same beliefs kept me in a dysfunctional marriage for too many of my adult years. Would I wish marriage could be based upon such concepts? Yes!
Do I believe all human beings have it within themselves to follow such concepts? No! Note I clarified that last question by adding “all.” There are some marriages that based upon these beliefs and concepts. I applaud both partners. They have what the rest of us want.
Fact and fiction clash when talking about marriage. There’s the ideal concept and there’s the reality check. If you’re reading this, no doubt you’ve had marital reality up to your eyebrows by now. It’s painful, it’s brutal, it’s emotionally draining. It happens to the best of us.
Marriages don’t always last forever. Divorce claims far too many victims. Many other marriages are in name only with the husband or wife emotionally committed elsewhere. When a marriage collapses, what happens to the woman who has ‘submitted graciously’ to her husband?
How does she adjust to living alone? Having children in the house is not the same as having a husband at home. How does she adjust to being a single parent? Divorce doesn’t bring out the best in kids.
How does she adjust to entering the work force? Her full time job was wife and mother – skills she might be able to use in a minimum wage job. How does she adjust to living a lifestyle far below what she had during marriage? Not too many women can walk away from a divorce court with a settlement that will not change their lifestyle.
How does she adjust to the social stigma of divorce? Like it or not, society frowns on divorced women. Widows get sympathy. Divorced women are considered failures.
How does she learn to trust again? To “submit graciously” means to put everything in the hands of another. No problem if those hands belong to God. Mortal man has a way of letting go when he gets distracted from his marital obligations.