Dear Pat: I am married to a women 28yrs I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. We even had children in there 20s now. I came out about a year ago, we still live together. I am the only one working at the moment and I won’t abandon her, have have a history together. I do love her but it is not the same. I tried my hardest to be str8 and be the great dad and husband it finaly came to a head and I can’t live this lie anymore.
I have never cheated on my wife with anyone. I need to be with other gay men for friendship and maybe even a relationship. I feel I have taken 28yrs from my wife according to her she said my lie was an exsperiment and I can honestly say no it was not because the feelings we shared were real. The good and bad times we got through them and our children I will always love and support them and yes my adult children know that I am GAY and they lovingly support me.
So with all that being said we my wife and I need to divorce asap because I must be me but we want to remain friends. Is that possibile. Pat what in your opinion is the best way to deal with this issue what would you do???
It is difficult when a marriage ends regardless of the reason and I’m sure it was not an easy decision to come out. I can also understand your wife being angry, confused, and frightened now that you’re rewriting her future after 28 years. She’s middle-aged, a difficult age under the best of circumstances, and now facing the rest of her life alone or possibly trying to navigate the murky waters of midlife dating.
Only time will tell whether the two of you can remain friends. Much will hinge on the terms of the divorce as well as how much or how little other people know about the reasons for your marriage ending. If your wife has to deal with vicious gossip it will add even more stress to the divorce process.
Don’t expect her to “get over” this quickly. It may take her years to come to terms with the divorce and your sexual orientation. You’ve already done your “me work” to get to where you are. She has a lot of “me work” to do in order to write a new future for herself.
Here are a few books that your wife might find helpful:
The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families
You’re What?! Survival Strategies for Straight Spouses
When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk: A Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands