He recently learned his wife had sex with many of his friends when they were separated but working on a reconciliation. When they reconciled she didn’t tell him of her sexual escapades which included swinging. He says the fact they have two young children complicates a divorce but he can’t stand being around her because of the lies.
I said:
You say this happened when you were separated. How long ago was that? You obviously reunited after that. Who brought this to your attention? What were their motives?
There are many things people do when they are separated or single that they wouldn’t do in a committed relationship. Separation is just that. The commitment to a relationship has been removed. Each person is now responsible to themselves alone. Sex during such times is not always an act of love. Sometimes the sex is a way of proving to themselves that they are worthy of another’s attention, a way of validating themselves during a time of emotional pain.
I won’t try to make excuses for your wife’s behavior, but if this happened long ago, during a period of stress between the two of you, and everything has been good in your marriage since, it should never have surfaced. Why did it?
If she truly loves you, she has been in a considerable amount of stress and pain knowing how you would feel should you find out about her actions during this difficult time in both of your lives. Her worst fears are now a reality. How terrible for the both of you!
A counselor for you sounds like a good first step so that you can get the anger about this under control. If those “friends” are still a part of your social life, I could understand you cutting some ties. If you have to work with them, it makes it even more difficult.
Please don’t give up on your marriage without looking at all sides of this.