A friend and her husband have been in the midst of a terminal dance. Theirs has been a flawed relationship for many years but it seemed they had come to terms with their individual needs and that kept the marriage intact.
Throughout the years, he has done what he wanted at her expense. He’s been a “player.” Feeling empathy for her situation, we’ve been supportive when appropriate and stayed at a distance with our opinions safely tucked out of sight when necessary. Through it all, we’ve marveled at her unfailing determination to keep the marriage together. She has been a “stand by your man” role model.
She hasn’t been one to spill the intimate details but how can we not know when she’s unhappy? And how can we not wish we could grab him and shake him and make him understand that women like her aren’t easy to find? So, given their history, it comes as somewhat of a surprise to find ourselves now feeling sympathy for him.
The dance started with him leading and her following, but just recently, she took the lead and he’s terribly frightened. He got used to her forgiving his indiscretions. He knew he could charm her into giving him another chance and yet another. It was easy, he’d just flash that little boy smile and hang his head and swear that she was the only one he really truly loved. A few flowers, some cheap jewelry, and the deed was done. It was a game to him. It was a challenge. What harm could it possibly cause?
We got used to identifying the different moods of their relationship, the cuddly times (when we suspected he had been bad but was now being repentant and was in the process of being forgiven), and the icy times (when we suspected he was being bad, as did she, but he hadn’t yet been formally caught).
We don’t have an insight into her thoughts so we can’t say for sure what caused the shift in power in their relationship. We can only conjecture that each one of those indiscretions chipped another chunk out of that elusive feeling we call “love,” and all the forgiveness in the world could not replace that faith and trust once it was lost.
Apparently, he took advantage one time too many and she finally decided the price of forgiveness was too much for the deal she was getting. It appears she has invalidated his “players” card. What’re surprising are our feelings of compassion for him. We shouldn’t feel sorry for him, considering all the years he has played the game to his terms at her expense. But we do, because the charm isn’t working any more and he’s genuinely scared that he’s losing her.
She’s lived with the loneliness for too many years. She’s held the hope that if she just kept trying, if she could just get past this one last time, he would change and they would experience the happiness they had in the beginning of their relationship. All these years, he kept chipping away at that mountain of hope.
He didn’t change. She did. She discovered her own worth. She learned her happiness didn’t depend on his actions. She realized her options. She recognized her personal power. She made a decision. She took control of her life.
All these years, as he’s been playing his foolish games, she’s been getting stronger. He really does need her and probably always has, but she doesn’t need him. Perhaps there’s still some love for him buried deep inside her but all the “like” is gone. Their friendship died years ago. We genuinely feel sorry for him. Women like her are hard to find.
Remember when you were growing up and some over-the-hill (30’s or older) adult tried to push their opinions on you prefaced with “If only I was your age and knew what I know now”? I heard that a lot when I was younger. It meant I was going to get some “lesson in life” that couldn’t possibly have any value to me. As we mature, we learn things. Some things we learn the hard way, and others come a little easier. Divorce is a learning experience of the hard kind as you well know.