For some men, love and sex don’t mix. They save love and marriage for “good” women, and only enjoy sex with “bad” women.
In cases of the Madonna/Whore Complex (or Syndrome), a husband’s relationship with his wife may be based upon the unmet intimacy needs he had as an infant. He may unconsciously seek out a woman who reminds him of his mother so that those needs can finally be met.
When these men marry, they marry a “good” woman. For them, virginity or the lack thereof, divides “good” from “bad.” They will love her, protect her, and treasure her. They don’t feel comfortable having sex with her once they marry. It would be “dirty,” like having sex with their own mother, the purest “good” woman in their life.
When or if their wife becomes a mother, the lines blur even more for him between his wife and his mother.
The Madonna/Whore husband will be sexually active but not with his wife. He will have sex outside of marriage, not for love but because he has an active sex drive.
Mother-Madonna Wives
A virginal and sexually inexperienced woman who falls in love with a Madonna/Whore man may not have even the slightest clue that there is something very wrong within their relationship. She may be thrilled to have found a man who places her on such a lofty pedestal, who worships her, who is so concerned for her well-being.
During courtship, he may have been quite passionate. At that time he may have been “testing” her to see if she was sexually experienced or “easy.” A sexually inexperienced young woman may think it is her very inexperience that is responsible for her husband’s lack of interest. Over time, she will question her attractiveness, wondering if there is a way to make herself more sexually appealing to him.
Her attempts at sexual seduction may backfire, with him accusing her of acting like a “whore” or telling her she looks stupid or whorish. His rejection is a terrible blow to her self-esteem. It is particularly cruel when she observes the interest her husband shows in other women.
Even the most inexperienced women consider sex and love to be a package. For women who were taught “good girls don’t,” marriage was supposed to be when “good girls did.”
Love, for women married to such men, is essentially sexless. They may have had enough sexual encounters to start a family, but with children came even more sexual distance. When she becomes a mother, he has even more reason not to “defile” her with sex.
Marriage to a Madonna/Whore Man
The Madonna/Whore Complex (or more aptly, the Whore/Madonna Complex since sex before marriage is fine but sex after marriage defiles the perfect wife) severely interferes with the quality of sex after marriage. Neither the husband nor the wife in a Madonna/Whore marriage may understand why their relationship is such an unhappy one.
He loves her but he doesn’t want to be intimate with her. She loves him but she is increasingly bitter because he won’t give her the intimacy she craves.
Infidelity may be a cornerstone of their marriage, as he seeks sex with acceptable “whores.” She seeks outside love to validate her self-worth and provide the sexual intimacy she needs.
In some cultures it is not uncommon for husbands and wives to lose interest in sex with each other, their marriages becoming fairly asexual, once the children are born. The behavior may be as a result of societal influence, but it has mother-madonna roots. This lack of interest in sex does not extend outside of the marriage, and in some societies it is expected that the husband will have lovers.
It is less expected that the wife will also seek intimacy outside the marriage. In such cultures, divorce is less of a threat than in cultures where men and women are seen as equals.