Is the fear of living alone keeping you in an unhappy marriage? Is it better to remain in an unhappy marriage with someone you don’t love than coming home to an empty house? Is fear of not being able to take care of yourself keeping you from taking charge of your life?
It’s reasonable to be afraid of what you don’t know or haven’t experienced. A little fear is good, it keeps you from jumping before you think things through. It gives you time to consider all available options. When that fear of the unknown locks you into an abusive or destructive relationship, or keeps you from letting go of a love that is already gone, it’s no longer working for you, it’s now keeping you prisoner.
Women in decades past were trained from an early age to be ‘homemakers.’ They were supposed to do the routine, under-valued chores that make a house a home. Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry. Shopping. Caring for the children.
If their marriage has been of the “traditional” type, they may have absolutely no clue how to balance a bank account, buy or repair a car, establish credit, or, perhaps, how to hold a decent paying job. For many women divorce will mean several steps down in their lifestyle, a drop in their social status, and a critical need to get a job of substance.
Cooking, cleaning, shopping, and routine homemaking skills may be dull, boring and simplistic, but they can be terribly intimidating for a man considering divorce. Men are more apt to search out a replacement for their wife before they leave home so that they can move from one home into another without having to stay in that ‘home alone’ zone they fear so much.
Many men move from their childhood home to their marital home without an independence break. If they have never been truly ‘on their own,’ never totally responsible for their complete daily care and maintenance, they may be fearful of stepping out of a marriage without a substitute caregiver waiting for them.
None of us entered this world with the knowledge we now possess. We have earned it, one day at a time. Some knowledge came easy, some of it came quite hard. But, once learned, it serves us well when we need it.
Learning to live without a spouse is not impossible. It is daunting. It is intimidating. It will create high levels of stress. But it is not impossible. Those things that your spouse did during your marriage, you will now have to learn to do for yourself. If he or she could do it, so can you. Or is he or she that much smarter and more capable than you? Expect there to be hurdles. Expect life to seem unfair at times. It will be.
There are people in this world who are much worse off than you could ever imagine. If you believe life could get no worse than it is, you are wrong. It all comes down to a basic fact — no matter how much you may desperately want to be in a committed relationship, no matter how desperately you may wish to have a good marriage — you cannot control any life but your own.
Divorce will be one of the most traumatic experiences you may ever have… but you will get through it. You will be stronger, more self-reliant, and more in control of yourself. If you believe in yourself, you will succeed.
For some it’s called “midlife awakening,” however, learning to rely on yourself for your happiness may cause your life to change direction. You may find that possessions are much less valuable than personal happiness. Personal happiness cannot be purchased; it is earned through experience, toil and tears.
When you learn to believe in yourself, when you know that you have control over your choices, when you do because you want to, not because someone else says you must, you’ll understand freedom. And it is beautiful. Whether or not you have someone else with whom you share your life. By choice, not need.