Would you suspect your husband of cheating if everything was as it should be in your marriage? Probably not. But, because something just doesn’t “feel” right you need to confirm or deny your suspicions.
He says he’s working late but when you call his office you get his voicemail and when he finally does get home he says the phone system isn’t working at the office or he has some other excuse for not calling back. That could happen, but not on a regular basis. Here it’s important to “read” his excuse — is he defiant or defensive?
If he says he’s working late but you can’t get in touch with him, call one of his co-workers (or a co-worker’s spouse) and casually inquire about the overtime situation or the recent excessive workload. It helps if you’ve already established a friendship with the person you’re calling.
He says he’s going to be home at a certain time but when he shows up late and smelling of alcohol he says he and “the guys” stopped for a few drinks and he didn’t want to call because the guys would think he was henpecked. Valid once or twice but more than that and you’ve just got to wonder who “the guys” are.
He doesn’t want you to visit him at work — for any reason. If he has convinced a co-worker that your marriage is over, he certainly doesn’t want you showing up looking like a loving spouse. Nor does he want you to run into the office gossip who just might want to fill you in on the details of his office romance.
He says company functions are for employees only, spouses are not allowed to attend. This may be legitimate for some functions but for parties and overnights?
He has lipstick on his collar. Before you accuse, make sure it’s not yours. And, even if it’s not yours, don’t accuse without having a plan and more evidence that he’s being unfaithful.
His shirts smell of perfume (don’t confuse his deodorant, shampoo or bath soap with the smell of perfume). The easiest way to smell his shirt is to give him a big kiss when he walks in the door. If you’re doing the “perfume test” be sure that you don’t wear perfume. Shirts aren’t the only place you’re going to find perfume so if you have suspicions you’ll also want to start checking his underwear.
If you don’t have any contact with wives of your husband’s co-workers, is it your choice or your husband’s? If it’s his choice then maybe it’s time to call a wife and invite her to a casual lunch. Some men who cheat don’t care who knows as long as their wives are kept in the dark. A co-worker’s wife may be bursting to tell you all about your husband’s affair.
How emotionally involved is he with you? Does he seem “distant” and/or “uninterested”? He may have always been this way but if this is new behavior, it may be an indication that someone else has his emotional attention.
Do his stories change and his excuses seem flimsy as to why he was late or why he must work late? Some guys leave the office at 5 o’clock and show up at home well after midnight because they had a flat tire on the freeway. How many times will you buy that excuse or something similar?
He’s always short on money. If finances have always been tight this isn’t a clue but if he now is always broke and there’s no evidence of where the money’s going maybe it’s going to fund fun time and expensive gifts for the other woman.
He has an open account with a local florist but he never sends you any flowers. He used to remember every romantic holiday with flowers, a card, a little gift, or a romantic outing just for the two of you. Not lately. Is there new stress in his job, does he have a physical problem, or is he directing his romantic energy elsewhere?
Your sex life has changed dramatically. He wants more, he wants less, he’s never interested, he’s always interested, he is trying new techniques. Some men exhaust themselves in their sexual affair and don’t have enough energy for their wives while other men are unable to have as much sexual contact as they may want with the other woman and they transfer their sexual needs to their own bedroom.
When the two of you go out together does it seem that you’re always running into the same woman, perhaps one of his co-workers? If he is having an affair she may be fully aware that you’re still actively in the picture and the two of them may be taking every opportunity to be in the same places at the same time just so they can get a casual glimpse of each other. If this is the case, do you have his undivided attention at those times or do you feel that she has more of an emotional connection with him?
When “she” is at the same event, walk away from him and watch the two of them from a distance. Does she look adoringly in his direction? Does he look at her and smile sweetly? What is his or her expression if either one catches you watching? Is there guilt in his face? Triumph in hers?
When was the last time you looked in his wallet? A wallet may be a man’s personal possession but what could he possibly be carrying that his wife couldn’t see? If he’s never objected before to you seeing the contents of his wallet, why now? If you do look through his wallet, does he still carry photos of you and the kids or are family photos and reminders of you missing?
If he has an office, or a personal work space, are the family photos or that photo of the two of you on the beach at Maui still at the corner of his desk? Or is his office devoid of photos, particularly those of you and the kids?
One clue does not a cheater make, nor do a few add up to an affair. Let me suggest that if you strongly suspect that your husband is cheating and more clues than not confirm your suspicions, you need to come up with a good course of action to protect yourself and your interests. Confront only when you’re ready to handle the fall-out from your confrontation.
© Pat Gaudette. All rights reserved.
Order Pat’s books from Amazon.com: How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from the Midlife Wives Club and Midnight Confessions: True Stories of Adultery.