From an email to me: “…we both have spouses and we don’t want to hurt them, but we can’t give each other up, we’re so perfect together…” If there is one persistent theme in many of the emails I receive, it is expressed in those words.
Every writer says he or she is involved with someone who makes them feel loved and alive. The sex is always spectacular. In some cases, both the person writing and the person with whom they are involved are married. Sometimes, only the writer is married. Sometimes, the writer is single but trying to convince their married lover to abandon their marriage. “Soul mate” is a term used frequently.
Each correspondent lists the reasons he or she cannot stop seeing the other person, and gives excuses why the relationship must continue. There is an overwhelming sense of loyalty to the other person. In almost every instance, when he or she says “They would be so hurt…” they are not referring to their husband or wife, they are referring to their lover.
The woman I quoted above said when a childhood sweetheart, her “first love” contacted her to “catch up on old times”, the “catching up” locked them in a relationship that may destroy both of their marriages. They’re not kids, they’ve been married to their current spouses for over 25 years. She says neither of them plans on getting a divorce, but neither do they plan to stop seeing each other. Divorce may not be their option should either spouse learn of the affair.
From another email: “…I am looking for a way to proceed without animosity or adversarial measures…”
Some of the writers are asking for advice as to how they should break the news to their husband or wife. News that they want a divorce. News that they have finally, at long last, met their true “soul mate.” News that the life they’ve been living, has been a lie.
They want the divorce to be painless, quick, without animosity. They’re ready to get on with their new lives, and they want their soon-to-be-discarded spouse to pass out of their lives quietly and inexpensively.
They don’t see any big deal in rewriting their spouse’s future — a future built upon them being a central figure, a life mate, a companion “until death do us part.”
They regard their marriage in the same way some people would regard a good book. It was a good read but now it’s time to put it on the shelf and check out the current bestseller except husbands and wives aren’t books. And most husbands and wives believe their wedding vows are meant to last longer than “until my soul mate shows up.”
If you’ve discovered your “soul mate” and he or she isn’t the one you’re married to, can you blame your spouse for being angry? After all, while you were busy spending time and attention on your new love, you were stealing that quality time from your spouse. If they were honoring their marriage vows, they wasted a lot of time being true when they could have been out finding their “soul mate” instead of believing it was you.
Everything has a time and a place. If you’re not happy in your marriage, do something about it. Either cure it or end it. Then find yourself a “soul mate”. It’s the only honorable thing to do. Anything else is adultery.
© Pat Gaudette. All rights reserved.
Order Pat’s books from Amazon.com: How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from the Midlife Wives Club and Midnight Confessions: True Stories of Adultery.