She says he has always been a “control freak” but the past couple of years of their five-year marriage have exhausted her. Despite bouts of depression and dealing with his alcoholism, she was working to keep their marriage together. Her feelings changed when he confessed to several affairs. Now she doesn’t know what to do.
I said:
You spent all these years working, working, working, hoping that what you were doing would make a difference, that it would bring joy to this joyless relationship and no matter what you did, it never made a difference. So you made a decision, an almost irrevocable one and at that point he noticed a change in you and it scared him. He finally realized that you were serious about ending the relationship, you weren’t going to be his enabler any more.
Unfortunately for him, he may have reacted a little too late. He has caused you a great deal of pain. He compounded that pain by unloading all of his guilt with his confession of adultery. Now he feels better and you have to deal with his betrayals as well as the rest of the dysfunctional aspects of this marriage.
He says to want to make this marriage work. Perhaps it can. But at what current cost? You deserve to be happy and right now you are in a deep black hole. That isn’t happiness and that isn’t how a marriage should be. If you want to climb out of that hole you’ll have to make a firm commitment to yourself.
This has to be your decision. The black hole is indecision. Once you make a decision, you’ll start walking in the sunshine again. This is your game now. You write the rules. You take command. You stay or you go. But whatever you do, think only of yourself. Perhaps it causes him greater pain. So what. That’s the price when a relationship ends.
Does this sound selfish? Only if you understand that any other way you lose the important parts of you. This is a fight you have to win. As long as you are in control of your destiny you will win.