He says if it weren’t for their children and marital assets that he would have divorced years ago. To complicate things, the emotional affair he’s been having with a co-worker is now taking on sexual overtones. Rather than risk everything by filing for divorce too soon, he wonders if he should have an affair to see if his marriage is worth ending for a more serious relationship with his girlfriend.
I said:
You fear making the wrong decisions and getting hurt in the process. So you put everything on the line anyway by thinking about having an affair. Happiness is a gamble. You’ve got to have the guts to go after it.
To have an affair to test the possibilities of your friend as a more permanent partner is unfair to her, to your wife and to you. If it does work out, you now have to get a divorce and the whole dividing the property and the kids comes into play. You’ll lose. If it doesn’t work out, you now lose your friend and perhaps your wife will get wind of the affair and — you’ll lose everything anyway.
You say you probably could improve your marriage by eliminating the 5-10 hours spent with your work friend and putting those hours toward your marriage. I fail to understand how doing this would cost you your friend unless these 5-10 hours are more than work. If so, you’re already on the road to losing.
Let’s make it clear: you are going to lose something no matter what you do or don’t do. It’s time for you to evaluate your life and your marriage and decide what you want and need in order to be happy.
Your first priority should be to your marriage. That means your friend is going to get hurt if she is already emotionally involved with you. If she is not emotionally involved then you should be able to explain to her that you’ve been going through some personal bad times lately and you hope that she hasn’t read anything improper into your actions.
Tell your friend that you appreciate her friendship but that you are married with responsibilities that take priority. If she is emotionally involved, then restate again that you have an obligation to make your marriage work. If she has been foolish enough to get involved with a married man, it has been her mistake that she will have to resolve. You’ll have to accept the consequences if she decides to talk to your wife.
WORK as hard as you can on rekindling the love you initially had for your wife. The love that made you commit to her in the first place. There is love in your marriage or you wouldn’t be so torn and you wouldn’t have tried in the past to make your marriage successful. Become a better husband. Do your best. If you do your absolute best and the marriage eventually must end, you will not have been a failure.
You place a lot of value on your personal possessions. At some time you may learn that money, and the possessions money can buy, have a much lower value than those things money cannot buy, specifically, trust, family, peace of mind and true love.
If you do end up in divorce court, I hope you can come to terms with the division of property in such a way that those dollar bills and what they buy do not end up being the most important things in your life. Don’t trade them for your children’s well-being and your wife’s goodwill. It isn’t an equal trade. You can always earn more money.