His wife is having an affair, doesn’t want to end it, but doesn’t want a divorce either. They have four children and currently live across the country from each other. He wonders if there’s any hope for their marriage.
I said:
You have no control over what your wife does, but you do have control over what you do. It’s time to regain that control over your life and tell your wife that her unfaithfulness is unacceptable. Either she dumps the lover or you dump her. That’s one choice. Your other choice is to accept the situation and whatever attention she’s willing to give to you.
You don’t say if these past 14 years have been happy ones or just marking time. Evaluate your marriage now to decide if there is a relationship worth saving. No matter how much you love her, she knows her actions are hurting you yet she wants to continue the affair and hurt you even more. Or maybe she wants you to love her enough to demand that she stop, or else.
Is income and providing for a particular standard of living keeping the two of you in separate areas of the country? If so, do you really think the personal possessions have more value than your marriage? There is much that money and status can buy, but love comes at a much higher cost. How much are you and she willing to pay?