There’s no doubt that fear plays a major role in whether we leave a relationship or whether we stay when we should go. I’ll try to touch on some of the fears women might face when tryng to make the proper decision regarding divorce. Being a woman, I cannot remotely try to explain how a man feels when faced with divorce, and I’m not going to attempt to present the male side of divorce.
Whether your husband walks out of your life or you leave your marriage you certainly will have a valid concern about being alone. Let’s face it, whether he leaves you or you leave him, he is not going to be sharing your bed, sharing your table, or be in the house to share the daily responsibilities of raising a family or maintaining the household.
If you are like many women, divorce will force you to take full responsibility for managing your life for the first time. Taken care of by your parents until you met and married the man who is now providing for you, you’re terrified of life on your own. You doubt you can make it on your own. You doubt your own capabilities. You’re afraid.
When he leaves, or you leave him, it will create a great void in your time. Those hours you spent taking care of him and his needs are now huge open spaces. What can you do to fill all of those hours? How about taking care of your needs? How about discovering what truly makes you happy?
No matter what has caused the marriage to go bad, even if your husband is mentally or physically abusive, unfaithful, or otherwise someone you now wish you’d never married, when he is gone, you will miss him. You will miss him because living with him has become a habit. You are used to rising at a certain time, preparing certain meals in certain quantities, doing certain things at certain times. When habits end, they create voids.
The reality of being alone is that only he will be gone from your life. Your family, your friends, as well as business, religious, and social acquaintenances are still part of your circle. It’s time now to reach out. And, as you reach out, you’ll learn which of those family, friends and acquaintenances are still important to you. Some will become less important, some more important, during this phase of your life.
When I was married, I thought everyone was part of a couple. When I divorced, I found there were more people than I ever imagined who were in exactly the same situation as I – alone and coping with being alone. Once I realized I was not really “alone,” I was able to rearrange my life to include some of these people who faced the same challenges I did. They could, because of their shared experiences, provide support as I struggled to get through a lot of the emotional issues created by my divorce.
I found those new friends to be much less judgmental of my decisions and much more supportive than some of my prior friends and even some family members. And, although I am now remarried, many of those friends remain an important part of my life.
What does age have to do with financial disaster for women when they are divorced? A lot, depending upon whether they are of the new school of independence or the old school of “men bring home the bacon and women cook it.”
The first time I divorced, I stood in a shopping center telephone service store and loudly threatened to sue my local telephone company for discrimination. The reason? They didn’t want to provide me telephone service unless I gave them a substantial “new customer” deposit.
Because I was a divorced woman, they didn’t consider the account I shared during marriage to be valid. I had no credit ratings for them to check. All bills had been paid in the account set up in my husband’s name and despite the fact that I was the main household support for a great many years, his credit was excellent and mine was zero.
Being a career woman had no bearing on how they viewed my status in life. I was a wife, and that status was not too significant when it came to credit ratings.
I got past this one because I was able to prove it was my signature on those payment checks. Also, it was about the time discrimination suits were the new and upcoming thing in the great U.S. of A. They allowed me the same status as my husband, meaning that since he wasn’t required to provide a deposit for service, neither was I.
Having cut my teeth on the phone company, I was able to get the same consideration from the power company. Perhaps it was my attitude.
What you learn as a newly divorced woman is that if you don’t demand your rights, they won’t be given to you. What you also learn is to weigh each encounter on its own merits. In other words, if you’re fairly sure you’re not going to get an argument, don’t approach the situation with a bad attitude. On the other hand, if you’re dealing with someone who has a bad attitude, bypass them and go up a level and continue going up until you get done what needs to be done. Without whining, without crying, without being “a typical woman.”
Being on your own presents a wealth of challenges. But look at it this way, millions of women are taking care of themselves and doing quite well at it. Once you conquer your fear of the unknown, and start realizing your strengths, you’ll do just fine yourself.
Knowing how to be responsible for yourself will give you a feeling of security and renewed confidence in you. You’ll become nicely independent. You’ll love the way it makes you feel!
No doubt about it, most women come out on the short end of the stick when it comes to money matters and divorce. I expect to have a lot of men who disagree with this and anyone who wants to email me with their opinion is welcome to do so.
If you’re a wife without outside employment at the time of your divorce, it would not be uncommon for your financial status to drop even if you receive a substantial alimony judgment. Your ex-husband’s one income must now support two households, his and yours. Even if you’ve been gainfully employed throughout your marriage, the impact of losing his income is going to probably drop your standard of living.
If you were the main provider during your marriage, you may doubt your own ability to provide for yourself once that marriage is over. You may even find yourself paying alimony or child support to your ex-husband.
Your financial condition may be disastrous after divorce. Expect it to be. Consider it to be the price you pay for getting out of a bad marriage. This will be when you learn that money isn’t everything, and money doesn’t buy happiness. You’ll learn how to survive, and you’ll grow stronger than you’ve ever been.
Fear isn’t always a bad thing. Some fear is good. It’s wise to be fearful of things about which you have no knowledge. When that fear holds you in an abusive or damaging relationship, it no longer is good. Learn to overcome the fear of leaving and replace it with a healthy fear of the unknown. Then draw upon your inner strengths and learn to depend upon yourself.
The rewards are tremendous, whether you remain single or eventually decide to take another chance at marriage.