Are you angry about the way your marriage ended? Does that anger show up in the conversations you have with people you meet, conversations that eventually turn to your divorce and a rehashing of the whys and what-went-wrongs? Do you even realize how much time you spend talking about the bad deal you got, or how much you wish your husband or wife would come back to you?
Do you share custody of your children? Do you have visitation? Are you paying support and perhaps alimony? Are you receiving support and alimony and just barely scraping by, living at a lower economic level than when you were married? Is custody an unresolved issue?
Is your ex-spouse trying to get you to return home? Does he or she want to try again, despite the fact you have said there is no love left for them?
Are you still sleeping with your ex?
Have you met someone who enjoys your company but he or she just doesn’t like the idea of a ready-made family and you’re trying to figure out how to make them happy but still keep your children happy, too? Have you met someone with kids, but your kids and their kids don’t mix, or you don’t have kids and you don’t want to take over a ready-made family?
Or are you the non-custodial parent who will do just about anything to get your kids from your ex? Not because he or she isn’t a good parent, but because you don’t want your kids in the same house as your ex and his or her new lover.
Are your kids trying to get you and your ex back together? Are you using your kids as a weapon against your ex’s attempt to establish a new life without you?
Are you waiting for the day your ex will come back and want to try again?
No matter how or why your divorce ended, you took baggage with you. Some of that baggage is complete garbage and needs to be properly disposed of before you can hope to have a successful relationship with another person. Some of the baggage will prove useful in dealing with your future relationships. You need time to separate the garbage from the useful stuff. It’s not something that happens over night.
That’s why it makes extremely good sense to keep it light with regard to romance for at least a year after your ‘legal’ (final papers – the clock starts then, not at separation) divorce. Casual dating, thumbs up. Serious romance, thumbs down.
There are too many other issues that need resolving before you try to add another person into your life for the long term. Take time to get to know yourself better before trying to fit another person into your life.