Newly divorced, you are raw and bleeding. You don’t understand what’s happening to you. You don’t have total control over your emotions. You aren’t ready to enter into a healthy, fulfilling, committed, relationship. You don’t know this because your judgement is cloudy and you are extremely needy.
You need someone to validate your worthiness as a lover, as a friend, as a companion. In the beginning, that need is so great that anyone (almost) can do the job. Common sense takes a back seat to soothing the pain by any means available. A kind word becomes a liferaft in a sea of turbulent emotions. You cling too tightly to any person who shows compassion.
Or, you push away those people who would come closer because you never plan to go through that pain again. You’re building a wall around your heart that no one dares to scale. It’s a time of confusion, and that’s to be expected. It’s not the time to think about long term commitment.
Here’s what Barb said: “Looking back now I wonder what ever attracted me to Steve. He was the opposite of every man I’d ever dated, we had no common interests, no friends we shared, nothing. Yet for the first six months after my divorce, I was virtually obsessed with him. Thank heavens he wasn’t as obsessed with me! Once I got my head on straight, I was able to see that we were a couple without a future and got out without causing too much pain to either of us. I guess I just needed someone to hold me and Steve was there. The most amazing part is that I think I would have married him had he asked! Disaster!”
Barb was lucky. She used her relationship with Steve for short term comfort when she needed it the most. She didn’t let the relationship continue once she understood the attraction was based on her short term emotional needs and shouldn’t be the basis for a long term commitment.
Some people aren’t so fortunate. They “fall in love” with the first person who gives them validation and comfort, and rush into a second or third marriage. It’s no surprise when the marriage ends after a few years or even months.