Cheat On Her Husband With Her Ex?

Occasionally I get an email that leaves me shaking my head in amazement at what people will do to mess up their marriage. One woman’s email was even more outrageous than most because she knows exactly the consequences her intended actions will have.

She wrote:

“I have been married to a man who has been the most wonderful man in the world in every single way except one: He’s not home enough, and when he’s home, he focuses on his work or on other things that are important to him.

When called on it, he always says that he’s out there trying to get extra money for us. As a result, I’m severely starved of his companionship and of his love. My other needs are met, but my sexual needs are far from being met.

I just became reacquainted with my ex-husband. I never loved him nor do I want to be with him. However, he was the very best sexual partner I have ever had. I would like to have sex with him again, but I don’t want to pay the price with my husband divorcing me if he was to find out.

It is hurting my conscience on one side, because I know that my husband deserves better than that from me, especially when he divorced his first wife for adultery, but I would like to be able to get the fulfillment I’m not getting at home, but so very desperately do need.

Don’t even suggest that I talk to my husband about this, because his response will be always ‘Quit nagging, I’m doing the best I can.’ I have been faithful for the entire 7 years I have been with my husband at this point. It has gotten me nowhere except frustration. At 41 years of age, I’m way too young to give up on sex. My ex-husband could never hold a job, but he was great in bed. My present husband is a very good provider, but he is absent in bed. I would like to be able to find a way to have my cake and eat it too, but do so in a way that would not hurt anyone.I realize the social implications of adultery, and I have wrestled with my conscience on it. But I really think that society should pay more attention to the REASONS FOR ADULTERY, rather than the ADULTERY ITSELF. In my case, it should be justified, because I’m not getting what I need at home.”

I replied:

Your reason why you should be given the okay to have sex outside your marriage (much less with a man you don’t really like except for sex) truly astounds me. If you’re looking for someone to agree with you, I’m not the one.

If you aren’t getting what you need in your marriage, get out. Quite frankly, your husband deserves better. Whether he’s “good in bed” or not, he’s the man you supposedly committed to when you married him. I don’t know of anywhere in the marriage vows that it says “until you’re proven lousy in bed.”

Weigh what you have against what you want so you’ll know exactly what you’re going to lose when your husband decides he doesn’t want to be married to another unfaithful wife.

This isn’t a sex therapy site but there are ways to give yourself what you “need” without involving someone else and jeopardizing your marriage.

Perhaps if you quit focusing so much on yourself you might be able to teach your husband a trick or two that would make him want to spend more time in bed and make him a more satisfying lover.

She wrote back:

“Okay, why should I get out? Except for what I mentioned, I have a perfect marriage. Why does my husband deserve better? Why is it okay to ignore your spouse’s needs but it is not okay to try to get your sexual satisfaction elsewhere?”

And I responded:

I cannot advise you whether or not to end your marriage. That has to be your decision. In my opinion, if you’re going to have sex with someone else other than your husband, you should get out of the marriage first. There is no “perfect marriage” when a spouse feels the need to cheat.

The approach you are taking for the problem in your marriage is wrong. You are being selfish and unfeeling toward a man who apparently is a good husband in every way but one. Would you trade a good husband who is lousy in bed for a lousy ex who is good in bed?

If you would, why did you and your ex part in the first place? Because he wasn’t a good provider? Not a good argument because you have a good provider but you’re planning a move that will probably destroy your marriage.

The approach you’re taking is what’s wrong with your question. You’re so angry at your husband for not providing great sex that you’re willing to hurt him in the most painful way possible: cheating with your ex. And, you justify it to yourself and anyone who will debate the issue with you by saying that your “good husband” is clearly less than a man.

I’m not sure if you could say anything more hurtful to a man than to tell him he’s a lousy lover AND discuss it with someone else, much less your ex.

To say that a spouse who doesn’t perform well in bed justifies adultery implies that a child who misbehaves deserves having its neck snapped, or that a wife who is a sloppy housekeeper deserves to be beaten to a bloody pulp, or that an employee who doesn’t get a raise is justified in shooting their boss. It is a drastic, self-centered, immediate gratification response to a problem that can be handled in a far better way.

If you are actually in love with your husband and you want to try to keep your marriage together, then I suggest counseling for you along with couples counseling for the both of you. No man is incapable of sexual satisfaction.

If you’re determined to go through with this you might want to tell your husband first. Here’s a sample speech:

“Honey, you know that I love you more than anything but I’ve told you and told you that you just don’t satisfy me in bed. Well, I was talking with my ex the other day — did I tell you how great he always was in bed? — and he and I have come up with the perfect answer! He has agreed to have sex with me when I need it, no strings attached. I never did love him so you don’t have to worry about me leaving you for him, this is strictly a sexual relationship, you know I love you with all my heart.”

When you explain your reasons to your husband he might understand. He might even be grateful that you are telling your ex about your lousy love life. Or, he might react by calling a lawyer. Or he might take an immediate gratification approach. Choose carefully. What you are planning will change your life forever.

This was her last email to me:

“This is not about hurting my husband, but about having my own human physical needs met. Self-centered? I’ll be the first to admit it. About my husband being a lousy lover? I never said he was. I simply said that my ex is a far better lover.

But I would be more than happy to settle for less than the best lover than with no lover at all. This my argument. However, since I wrote this, I have decided against the adultery and said goodbye to my ex.

I have had a good 7 years with my husband and I don’t want to destroy that. Unlike what you said, I do love my husband more than life itself. But I wish that we could be together and touch more. Lately we have been more like roomates because his focus is not on wanting to make love to me.

I know he still loves me, because he shows me in every other way. But he always claims to be too tired or too busy for sex. How do I know HE’S not the one who’s getting it elsewhere? Every book and article about adultery I have read cites one of the main clues of a cheating spouse, is denying his or her partner sex.

No offense, but I think you are the wrong person to write a column about adultery in a fair and balanced way. You obviously look at things in the sense of black and white, right and wrong. You are telling me that it is okay for my husband to be too busy and too tired for sex, but that my own human need for sex is not okay and it is selfish.

If you really want to provide a service that would cut down on adultery, you can’t just write that ‘adultery is wrong wrong wrong wrong’ and portray the adulterer as the scum of the earth. It is far more important to consider the CIRCUMSTANCES behind the adultery than on the ADULTERY ITSELF. Partners who are too busy should try to make time for their neglected spouses if they want to keep their spouses from straying.

I realize that this may not be the circumstances for every adultery, but it is in my case. Yes, I have decided against it, because I know that if I did it, even if I never told my husband and even if he never found out, my marriage would not be the same even for me. It would hurt my conscience too much and I would have to eventually confess, and if I did, it would be the end of my marriage no doubt. So yes, I did put some serious thought, and decided to do ‘the right thing’.I have never cheated on my husband, and at the end I couldn’t bring myself to do so now. So tell me again I don’t love my husband.”

And this was my final response to her:

I believe you do love your husband and that’s why I wanted to do anything I could to stop you quickly from something that you would regret forever. Once you would have taken that step, you could never have stepped back in time and undone the harm.

I can understand your frustration — I was in a 15 year marriage with a man who wasn’t too busy for sex, he just didn’t find sexually attractive. (I was certainly attractive enough before we got married.) It took a lot of years for me to understand it was his problem not mine, and a few more years to get up enough courage to leave. My marriage was bad from the beginning for various reasons and needed to be ended. Your marriage is good and can be made better.

I don’t have the answers for you but I do know that what you were planning would have caused you a lifetime of regret. Just a week before your email to me, another woman wrote asking for advice. Here’s what she said:

“Help me. I have been married for three years we have had some problems and the other night I cheated. It is the first time this has ever happened and I feel like crawling into a hole and dying especially if he were to ever find out. I don’t know what to do and I need some advice.”

There’s nothing I could say that would help her. Once her choice was made and she cheated, her actions could not be undone.

You will be interested to know that another woman took extreme exception to my comments to you as she, too, relates to the situation you’re in. She remains faithful to her husband but she has extreme empathy with your feelings about this.

Order Pat’s books from Amazon.com: How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from the Midlife Wives Club and Midnight Confessions: True Stories of Adultery.