A marriage that ends due to an affair, whether it is an affair that was accidentally discovered or an exit affair meant to bring the marriage to an end, causes extensive damage to the betrayed spouse, the family and even friends and associates.
Not all affairs are meant to be discovered. Many husbands and wives who cheat on their marriage fully expect that they can continue their marriage and their affair(s) without complications. They sneak and hide and do as much as possible to cover their tracks so that their spouse is none the wiser to their extra-marital wanderings.
They want both, the marriage and the affair, and should their affair be discovered they would probably choose to end it rather than end their marriage. Of course they may not get the chance to choose if their betrayed spouse isn’t willing to forgive and give the marriage another chance.
Exit exit affairs are meant to be discovered. A man or woman who is unhappily married may use an affair as the way to leave the marriage. Less afraid of their spouse’s anger over the affair than they are of the conflict of trying to fix problems within the marriage, the affair provides the reason for the marriage to end.
A spouse who has an exit affair may have been faithful throughout the marriage until being emotionally ready to leave the marriage. It is not difficult to find someone to have an affair with and the dynamics of the affair itself will provide the support the exiting spouse needs to pull away from the marriage.
As the affair progresses the adulterous spouse may even feel that their affair partner is their “one true love” or their “soul mate” and this gives them even more reason to want out of their marriage. Unable to directly confront their spouse, they let evidence of the affair act as the catalyst to divorce.
If the dynamics of the exit affair go as planned, the betrayed spouse will initiate the divorce and both betrayed and betrayer will focus on the divorce process, ignoring fatal flaws within the marriage. It may take years for the pain of the betrayal and the damage of the divorce itself to subside so that the betrayed spouse can analyze the marriage and determine the real reasons it failed.
If the exit affair partners continue their relationship that relationship, or subsequent marriage, may eventually end due to the same type of issues that ended the prior marriage.
In an exit affair the betrayed spouse may direct their anger at the other person in the affair instead of focusing on the adulterous spouse and the issues that brought the marriage to its end. The other person becomes the reason the marriage ended, whether or not he or she initiated the affair.
The exit affair provides the means to an end. It is the excuse for a marriage ending, but not the real reason the marriage comes to such a painful end.
© Pat Gaudette. All rights reserved.
Order Pat’s books from Amazon.com: How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from the Midlife Wives Club and Midnight Confessions: True Stories of Adultery.