He wrote to say that he has been in a physically and verbally abusive marriage for the past 15 years. He has not been happy for a long time, is no longer in love with his wife, and feels the marriage is over. Despite counseling for the both of them, there have been no positive changes in their relationship.
He says his wife has made threats if he goes through with a divorce. She thinks he’s suffering from a midlife crisis. He is concerned about his children and wonders what he should do.
Sometimes people need a reason other than the truth for things that happen. From what he said in his email, his reason for wanting a divorce is that after years of abuse he’s just not willing to stay in an abusive marriage any longer. He wants out. Period. His love for her died a long time ago, abuse by abuse.
His wife may not want to accept that her actions are largely responsible for the marriage ending. If she can put another name to it, such as “midlife crisis,” then it’s not her fault and it’s not his fault, it’s the fault of “midlife.”
We can try our hardest to accept the actions of people we love even when they’re unpleasant actions. But, little by little, those actions chip can away at the love we have for them and in time there is no more love left. Any changes are too little, too late.
Based upon what he said in his email, he has reached the point where his life needs changing. He has been in counseling and that should help in his decision-making. Most importantly, he must rely on himself to make the best decision for himself and his family.
Just 100 years ago, the average life expectancy was 47 years. There was no “midlife crisis” because the average person didn’t live long enough. Today, the average 40-year-old can expect to live many more decades. For men and women in dysfunctional marriages, it’s important to decide the best way to spend that future and make plans accordingly.