Divorce brings out the worst in men and women. Whether grabbing at straws to keep the marriage intact, or bent on revenge, children of divorce sometimes become the most unwilling of pawns
What is a child to do when a parent says, “Your father doesn’t love me any more. He’s a bad person. He’s hurt me. And now he wants to take you from me. You won’t leave me will you? You won’t hurt me too!!”
What is a child to do when a parent says, “I love your mother, you must help me prove to her that I love her. You won’t let me down, will you?”
What is a child to do when a parent says “Your father hits me because he loves me. You won’t tell anyone will you?”
What is a child to do when a parent says, “This divorce is all your fault! You were always a bad child! See what you have caused?”
What is a child to do when a parent says, “If I hadn’t been pregnant with you, this marriage would never have happened!”
What is a child to do when a parent says, “I don’t even know if you’re mine! You sure don’t look or act like me!”
What is a child to do when a parent says, “It’s just the two of us now, just you and me against the world.”
What is a child to do when a parent says, “Your father’s new girlfriend is a bad person. You have to help me break them up and then we can be a happy family again.”
What is a child to do when a parent says, “You have to tell me everything your mother does. You do love me don’t you?”
What is a child to do when a parent says, “I’ve sacrificed my happiness for you. You owe me.”
If you’re in a troubled marriage now, chances are good your parents had a troubled marriage. Whether their marriage ended in divorce or not, it impacted on you and the way you respond to your relationship needs. You may have tried to choose a man who was the exact opposite of your father. You may have found that you chose a man who was very similar. You may have chosen a woman who was the exact opposite of your mother. But is she?
Marriage may have been the only way you could escape an unhappy home, but marriage was not the answer. You know that now. You may be striving to prove to your parents that indeed you are good enough to deserve their love, but you are not getting their approval, because they don’t know how to show it. And so you work even harder.
No matter how many chairmanships or Oscars or millions you make, public acceptance doesn’t take the place of “I’m so proud of you, son.” And as you strive for that parental acceptance, your own personal relationships may be failing. Or, even though you recognize the mistakes your parents made, you may be creating the same stress in your children because it’s the only way you know to relate.
It’s the imprinting you learned, the imprinting you pass on to your children and perhaps they to their children. Counseling may be the only way to break the pattern.