As my husband and I drove past some property we own, I asked an innocent enough question: “What’s going on over there?” He responded that one of the tenants was having their propane tanks refilled. That would have been a reasonable explanation except the truck I saw was an air conditioning service van.
The rest of our conversation went something like this: “Why would an air conditioning company be pumping propane?” “It was a propane truck.” “No, it wasn’t, it was a van from Air-Care.” “Where?” “Parked on the grass in front of the building.” “I was looking at the truck at the back of the building.” “I didn’t see a truck at the back of the building.” “And I didn’t see an Air-Care van on the grass.” We were in the same car, at the same time, looking in exactly the same direction yet we saw two entirely different things.
It happened, again, a couple days later: “I wonder where they’re going,” I said, looking at the oncoming traffic lane. “Who?” “All the antique cars!” “Where?” “Didn’t you see them? You looked right at them!” “I was looking at the tent sale, I didn’t see any antique cars. Where were they?” “What tent sale?” Once again, same view, but what we actually saw was completely different. We certainly weren’t in the same “space” even if we were in the same car!
These are simple examples, but how many times do you think that you and your spouse are seeing the same things when each of you has no idea what the other actually sees? If two people, looking in the same exact direction, don’t see something as large as a truck or a group of antique cars, how can they possibly see something not so obvious as the signs of an unhappy marriage?
If I hadn’t questioned my husband’s “pumping propane” response, he would have thought I was looking at, and talking about, the same thing he was. If you don’t question your spouse, pay attention to his or her words, really listen to what he or she says, how will you really know whether or not they’re feeling the same way you are about the state of your marriage?
Maybe it’s already too late to save your marriage, but all relationships need this kind of attention so they don’t go off track. Parents may think they’ve got a good understanding of what’s going on in the lives on their children, but if they don’t ask, if they don’t watch, they might get some nasty surprises. Even friendships need this kind of attention to stay the best they can be.
The grades you got when you were in school or college let you know how your teacher or professor saw your progress. If you disagreed, you had the opportunity to work harder or explain why you were doing the best you could and why the grade wasn’t reflecting your effort. Same thing with periodic job evaluations, promotions, bonuses. You are given some type of indication of how your performance rates, how your employer sees your contribution to the company as a whole.
That doesn’t happen in marriage. Usually, when a marriage is failing, the unhappy spouse gives warnings but the warnings are ignored or brushed aside. Perhaps the other spouse just isn’t ‘seeing’ those warnings as anything serious. Unlike a report card that serves to put us back on track with our studies, or a job performance evaluation that tells us whether we are meeting the requirements to keep our job, there are no performance evaluations during marriage.
Your spouse may say “I wish we did more things together” or “don’t you think your clothes are getting a little tight?” but we don’t see that we’ve been ignoring their need for attention or letting our appearance go to the point that they are becoming unhappy about it. You may consider these examples to be petty but it’s the petty stuff that piles up until one day you open the door and the house is empty.
It’s the petty stuff that says it’s time to talk, to see where our marriage is headed. When a spouse complains, it means he or she isn’t happy. (Excluding the chronic complainer who isn’t happy unless he or she has something to complain about.) The complaint may be a symptom of a bigger issue. But if you and your spouse don’t have the same vision of the same view, you may miss the warning signs altogether until there is very little that can be done to save your marriage.