If you’re a woman and you live long enough, a man will come into your life who is so incredibly perfect in every way that you wonder if he could possibly be real. If you’re fortunate, that man will feel the same way about you and you’ll be on your way to relationship bliss. If you’re unfortunate, that man will take you to a new level of relationship hell. It happens when you find yourself in love with an adulterer (a/k/a a married man).
He might be married if…
He won’t tell you his home phone number.
He says he doesn’t have a phone, or his roommate is neurotic about women who call, or his mother is frail and on her deathbed and the phones in the house have been disconnected. He’ll have a reason, and you’ll want to believe it.
The fact is, if you’re in a “committed” relationship and he won’t give you his home phone number, or gives it to you but insists that you NEVER call, there’s someone living there that he is afraid will answer when you call. Like a wife.
He doesn’t want you to ever call him at work.
He says his secretary is the nosy type and he thinks you’re too special to become fodder for the office gossip mill. Plus, he shares a phone with a guy who is so obnoxious that you just wouldn’t want to ruin your day if he answered by mistake. He says you can always reach him on his cellphone even if he can’t call you right back.
Don’t believe him. It’s only common courtesy to not make a lot of calls to a boyfriend’s place of employment but there are times that a call might be appropriate, even necessary. If he doesn’t want you to call him at all, regardless of the reason, he’s hiding you. A divorced man is expected to have girlfriends who call his office once in a while. It goes with being divorced and male.
He can’t see you on holidays.
He spends the holidays with his parents and his children — isn’t that what you’d expect from this wonderful man? He assures you that you’ll need to have lots of patience but once everyone has worked through their issues regarding the divorce and his ex’s emotional problems, you’ll be a part of this loving family.
His story is good but if he cares so much for you, and if his family is as great as he says they are, they’ll understand if he takes a few hours for the two of you to be together during these special times.
He can’t see you on weekends.
It’s the kids again. He takes them to softball practice, he helps them with their school projects, he chauffeurs them to the in-laws. He’s a busy father and you have to respect that about him. Of course, there’s no reason he couldn’t get his parents or the in-laws to keep the kids for a few hours while he spends some time with you. Just like the holidays, weekends are for family and if he already has a family, complete with live-at-home wife, he’s going to be spending his time there.
He can’t stay the night.
He’s a custodial father and he would never leave his children home alone at night. Maybe some day his ex will be more reliable and he will be able to trust her with them for a night or so, but for now, he needs to be there for them. This is valid, but if he won’t let you call him when you’re feeling a little blue or when you’d just like to hear the sound of his voice, something is fishy with this scenario.
You’ve never met his children.
He says they’re having a difficult time handling the divorce and he won’t confuse them by introducing you to them until they’ve worked through their problems. He wants them to meet you, just not now.
This is valid because kids of divorce don’t need to be introduced to a string of possible mommy replacements. This becomes invalid if you and he are in a longterm “committed” relationship with the two of you planning marriage — now you and the children have very valid reasons to get to know each other.
He doesn’t introduce you to his friends.
He says a lot of his friends were good friends with his ex and it’s just too soon to bring you into their social circle. Don’t fall for this. A divorced man’s friends expect to see him dating. It doesn’t mean they have to develop close personal relationships with every woman he dates, but they expect him to date and they would certainly invite him to bring a date to their social functions if they’re not busy trying to link him up with their single female friends.
He doesn’t include you in work-related social events.
He wants to keep his business life and his personal life separate. Don’t buy this excuse, either. Just as a divorced man’s friends expect him to date, so do his co-workers. He may have valid reasons for not wanting to take you to a work-related function: 1) he’s taking his wife, 2) he’s secretly dating someone at the office, 3) he’s taking another one of his girlfriends.
He won’t take you out to public places.
This is a major tip-off that he’s married and cheating. If he feels about you the way you feel about him, he wants the world to know it. If he’s married and cheating, he doesn’t want anyone to know and the best way to keep from running into someone who isn’t in on his little secret (and who might blab to his wife) is to keep you under wraps.
He doesn’t sign his cards and he doesn’t write you letters.
This man doesn’t want to leave any evidence that he’s cheating, plain and simple. He knows that even one piece of hard evidence in his wife’s hands could cost him dearly in divorce court.
He pays cash for everything.
Again, he’s leaving no hard evidence, no paper trail. His wife won’t find the credit card charges if she stumbles across his personal charge account and his nosy secretary won’t find them if he charges them to the company.
What to do if you think he’s a cheat:
When your gut instinct tells you he’s hiding something, there’s a good chance he is. If you think the man you’re involved with has a wife, pack his personal stuff (if he has been careless enough to leave anything at your place), meet him for coffee in a semi-public place, and tell him you’re calling the whole thing off. He’ll try to change your mind with pleadings and statements of love and here’s where you suggest he act instead of talk.
- Tell him you want to meet his children and his family.
- Tell him you want to meet some of his friends.
- Tell him you want to be able to call him at home — at any time.
- Tell him you want to go home with him. He can let the kids stay overnight with his ex or the in-laws one night a month.
- Tell him you want him to take you out to dinner, to the movies, dancing, or a night on the town.
If he can’t do any or most of these things, say goodbye.
© 2006 Pat Gaudette. All rights reserved.
Order Pat’s books from Amazon.com: How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from the Midlife Wives Club and Midnight Confessions: True Stories of Adultery.