Divorce can make us feel as though we are missing a major part of ourselves… the part that validates our worth… the part that gives us a reason for being. If this person — the center of our entire universe — feels we aren’t worth “keeping,” if this person to whom we have devoted our life is dumping us by the roadside like a bag of garbage, why would anyone else believe we would have value? Most of all, how can we possibly believe ourselves to have value? How can we feel good about ourself?
Falling in love can be like a candy bar being dropped into a vat of melted chocolate. It wouldn’t take long for the candy bar to lose its shape and identity. If, later, there was an attempt to scoop that same candy bar from the vat, there would be nothing left of its former shape and substance. Forgive me for comparing people with candy bars and chocolate but I hope you can see the point I’m trying to make.
When we try so hard to make our lives conform to the needs of our spouse, when we put our needs second or third to the needs of our spouse and/or our children or family, we lose ourselves. If our spouse walks away, everything that we believe ourselves to be, is gone. In our eyes, we no longer have value because he or she has discarded us — perhaps for someone “more desireable.”
“…If he isn’t sure if he wants to stay with his wife, whom he has 8 years with, or go with a bimbo who he has known for 10 weeks, and needs to go away to think about it… I don’t want him. I shouldn’t have to sit here waiting and hoping… “ With these few words, another marriage ended.
When our spouse walks away, we want and need to know why. What did we do wrong? If we knew what we did wrong, we could correct it and then he or she would come back and everything would be perfect again. Wouldn’t it?
Some people need an explanation from their spouse or their ex-spouse, an explanation that they can accept, so they can put closure on their relationship. Because few ex’s feel an obligation to sit down and explain their actions, very few of us get such explanations and the lack of closure can stand in the way of future relationship success.
You are important. Your feelings are important. Treat yourself with respect. You are your own best friend. The sooner you believe these truths, the sooner you will be able to reclaim the “you” that was swallowed up by “us.”