One of the scariest parts of being divorced is getting back into the dating scene. How the heck do you meet people? People who are decent? People you can trust? People who won’t think you’re a loser because you’ve had a marriage fail? Or two?
I’ll be the first to admit that getting back into the dating game isn’t easy. I live in a fairly small town. When I got divorced many people ? most of whom were married ? suggested that I should leave the area, move to a bigger city where there were more eligible singles. You see, everyone except me, was married or locked into a solid relationship. Or so it seemed at first glance.
Being a person who doesn’t follow too much advice from others without questioning that there might be another better way, I began looking around to see if what they said was correct.
When I was married, I had no need to determine another person’s marital status. That information wasn’t relevant to doing business with them or saying hi when I met them at a community function. But now that I was single, I took note of other singles and they were everywhere! Eligible, nice people who had their lives together, and some who didn’t, at least not then.
“There aren’t any eligible singles” I kept hearing. “No, you’re wrong,” I said as I enjoyed my new single status.
“But I can’t ever meet anybody!” “All you have to do is open your eyes and look!” I’d say.
At business functions I’d play matchmaker. Men and women both told me they couldn’t find people to date even though the number of available men and women were equal. They were nice people. They just were not really aware of people around them: the newly divorced man standing in the corner; the pretty woman who wasn’t wearing a wedding band.
Part of the dating game is having courage. The courage to walk up to someone and say “Hi, I haven’t met you before, have I?” What’s the worse that can happen? He or she reminds you that the two of you went out on a date last week?! (Like one date who told me enthusiastically about a new movie I just had to see and I reminded him that we had just seen it together. Now that must have been a memorable date for him!)
Making the first move to meet someone gets easier the more times you practice. It’s like learning to dance. The first few steps are the most difficult.
Looking single helps. I was speaking to a group of business people and asked them to hold up their hands if they were single and available. The number of raised hands surprised everyone in the room. I then told them to remove every ring off their left hand if they were serious about being identified as a single.
Most people look immediately at the ring finger and if a ring looks even remotely like a wedding set or a band, they assume the person is married. If you don’t want to miss a dating opportunity, dump the rings!
Dating someone does not mean you owe them your life. It means you think they’re interesting enough to spend time with to go to a movie or a concert or to dinner. There are no sexual obligations. No long term commitments. No living arrangements that need be made. Not everyone you meet understands that. Perhaps you don’t either, for now.
Dating is the start of getting your life back in order. It should be fun. It should be a learning experience. It should be a part of your overall plan to like yourself more as you learn to be dependent on yourself not on others for your own happiness.
Maybe dating isn’t on your mind right now. That’s okay, too. It will be.