It took me several years before I got up enough courage to end my first marriage. There was a lot of agonizing, the continual thoughts that I was doing something wrong, the search for answers everywhere. I hoped my husband would end it, taking the decision and choice away from me, but he wouldn’t and didn’t. If I wanted my life to change, it would be up to me, and me alone to make it happen.
It was a few days before Thanksgiving when I realized if I didn’t do something, I would lose myself forever. I was getting more and more depressed, something had to happen. It was suddenly clear: divorce was the only answer. Once I made the decision, after years of agonizing over making the marriage work, I steamrollered right into “I’m getting a divorce” much to my husband’s surprise.
Me wanting a divorce probably wasn’t a surprise, although we didn’t talk about such things, but me actually doing something about it was a complete shock to him. He asked me to stay in the marriage through the holidays so that family and friends wouldn’t ask questions for which he had few answers. I agreed, what were a few more weeks after all these years? I was willing to do whatever I could to make the divorce easier on him, short of saying I was staying.
We had the usual “family” Thanksgiving, going to the in-laws’ house for a big dinner where all the family was assembled, as they had for all the years we had been married. The problem was, this year, for me, was much more difficult to handle because I knew I wouldn’t be spending another Thanksgiving with any of them.
Thanksgiving is one of those celebrations where families tell each other how much they love one another. It’s a renewing time, and everyone expects to leave the day feeling warm and cozy thoughts of love for each other. It seemed hypocritical for me to be sharing prayers of thanks with a family I would soon be leaving. It was a long day, the kind where minutes seemed hours.
After Thanksgiving, my soon-to-be-ex asked me to stay through Christmas and New Years and for a couple days I thought I could put my happiness on hold to do this also. But by that time, he and I were chipping away at each other over the smallest things and it was becoming clearer that we were both disengaging from the marriage.
In the first few days after I said I was leaving, we were civil to each other. As time dragged on, it was becoming more difficult to maintain our civility. I decided prolonging the move was not in my best interest and I rented an apartment and made arrangements to move the second week in December. I’d finally started putting myself first for the first time in a lot of years.
If we’d had children, would I have chosen this time to leave? Or would I have put their feelings ahead of mine, trying to pretend everything was fine so they’d have one more holiday with the both of us as a whole family unit? I can’t answer that other than to say that most children know when something is wrong between their parents. They may wonder why they’re not as happy as their friends appear to be. They may even believe they’re the reason for the problems between their parents. They may even be told they’re the problem.
I’ve never been a parent, but as a child I was all too aware of how unhappy my parents were with each other. Speaking from that experience I can say that as a kid I’d much rather have been living with one happy parent than two unhappily married parents.
If you have children, you’ll have to take their feelings into account as you make your decision. If there is a way for the two of you to make the holidays pleasant for your children, do it. Otherwise, why prolong the unhappiness you and they feel?
Is there ever a good time to end a marriage? It might be argued that some times are more appropriate than others. It might be argued that the holidays should be made up of happy memories, not memories of a failed marriage. Not memories of a divorce in progress. Holidays or not, there is no “best” time for divorce.
If you have tried your best to keep your marriage together, if there is nothing else you can do or your spouse has already abandoned the marriage, or the marriage is an abusive one, then give yourself the gift of freedom. It was one of the best gifts I’ve ever given me.