No one purposely seeks out problem drinkers or alcoholics for life mates. In many cases, the drinking becomes a problem long after we have settled into a marriage. Long after we have placed ourselves in the hands of this man or this woman that we treasure above all others.
We don’t want to believe that they have a problem. How could they? It’s only a couple beers, or at least it used to be. What could a few more really hurt, anyway? After all, you can’t be an alcoholic when you drink beer. Alcoholics drink the hard stuff. Beer and wine are okay, aren’t they?
“What can one drink hurt? Or two for that matter, after all it was a long day and it takes a couple drinks to relax. What can a couple drinks hurt? Are you accusing me of drinking too much? Why? Do you have a problem with me having a couple drinks to relax? It must be your problem because I don’t have a problem!”
“It’s a party! Everyone is enjoying themselves and you’re standing there with that look on your face. You gonna ruin another party? Why did you even come if you weren’t going to have a good time? I’ll have another drink if I want it, you aren’t my mother, you know.”
“I can drive! Give me those keys! You know you’re getting to be as bad as your mother! As a matter of fact, why don’t you just call the old lady up and tell her how mean I treat you and maybe she’ll want you to move back home. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
It’s not the same as having a spouse who cheats, or one who physically abuses. Those are clear cut cases of marital problems. A husband or a wife who drinks a little too much? Sounds like a pretty small problem in comparison to others.
The alcoholic never has the problem. People who drink too much don’t start out wanting to drink so much that they hurt those around them. And their partners, those that they hurt the most, don’t enter into the relationships asking to be hurt. But there is a slow, steady, painful process that causes good people to hurt those they love, and good people to be hurt.
Sometimes, the only way to stop being hurt is to walk away, after counseling, after Al-Anon, after trying everything humanly possible to save the marriage. Until the love dies and there is no marriage left to save because the alcoholic has chosen to be married to the bottle. Then all you can do is save yourself.
Be sure to visit Buddy T’s site for excellent support and resources if you or someone you love has an alcohol dependency.