Fear was a constant companion when my first marriage was nearing an end; it was a paralyzing fear that lasted for way too long time, interspersed with too many moments of absolute terror. I doubted myself. How could I take care of myself without someone to catch me if I failed?
The simplest of details seemed monumental in size! Where would I live? Who would manage the finances? What if my car quit when I was driving somewhere — who would rescue me? And if I got sick, who would take care of me? Who would be there for me in the middle of the night?
My husband controlled the financial details of our life and made all the major decisions. I’d been perfectly comfortable with his control when we got married, but not knowing how to manage money or how to take care of the simplest details of running a home terrified me.
Insurance, car repair, home maintenance, buying cars, checking accounts! My husband dealt with all these things! I didn’t know how to deal with these things! Fear of the unknown, terror of failure, kept me from making the decision I knew had to be made for my ultimate survival.
I have an analytical approach to problems that takes over once the emotional hurdle runs its course, and I began looking at people around me to see how they were dealing with their life circumstances, hoping I could learn from their experiences.
What I saw made me realize that none of us are born with the skills that we need to survive in this world, we develop them as we need them. It was time for me to develop survival skills. It was time for me to become responsible for my life and stop depending upon others.
It sounds so matter-of-fact and simplistic now but I can assure you, it wasn’t then. The fear didn’t go away just because I’d decided that if the woman who worked in the next cubicle could live alone, balance a checkbook, fix the toilet, unclog a drain, and know when to rotate her tires, I could, too.
I realized I was no more and no less capable than the men and women around me who were leading independent lives. If they could do it, I had no mental or physical disabilities that would limit me from doing the same. I began taking steps toward independence. Some of those steps were huge, such as the one I took when I went looking for an apartment, and actually signed a lease without getting anyone’s approval first!
That’s when I first ran into the discrimination that can exist if a woman is suddenly single due to divorce. But, if any one factor kept me focused in my quest to gain control of my life, it was the disparity in treatment divorced women received in comparison to widowed women when it came to setting up a bank account, establishing utility service, even searching for a decent place to live! Widows had respect, divorced women didn’t fare so well.
Leaving my husband’s “nest” wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined it would be to “fly” completely on my own for the first time in my life. I moved into a condo complex geared toward singles and found a support group in the divorced men and women who made the complex their home. Some had children who lived with their ex, but most were childless as I was. We were all learning and growing, at our own pace and in our own way.
There came a moment after my divorce when I realized the intoxicating freedom of being accountable to no one but myself. I could buy whatever I could afford, eat whenever and whatever I felt like eating, sleep as little or as long as I wanted. I could buy and wear the clothes I liked, see the movies I wanted to see, make big and little decisions without having to get the approval of someone else. I could date if I wanted to or stay at home if I didn’t want to, have friends of my own choosing, make my own mistakes without hearing “I told you so.”
I was accountable to me, myself and I! The absolute freedom was intoxicating! Freedom is fearful, because if you fail, you land on nothing but the cold, hard ground and you get up and try again. When you succeed and take control… it’s absolutely awesome!