Ignoring The Obvious

Divorce doesn’t happen overnight. A husband or wife doesn’t just wake up one morning and decide to end their marriage. It may seem that way to the spouse who hears the “D” word for the first time but the truth is that there have probably been some very obvious signs pointing to divorce that have been ignored.

Men and women have some very basic needs that they have every right to expect their marriage partner to fulfill. It is reasonable to expect a spouse to be sexually responsive and enthusiastic.

A healthy sex life is extremely important to the health of a marriage. A husband or wife who can’t or won’t be a good sex partner shouldn’t be surprised when their mate seeks sex elsewhere placing the marriage on the path to divorce.

The need for a companion is not the same as the need for a sex partner. Companionship involves emotional sharing. It is talking about feelings, needs and dreams. In many marriages there is an outside person, a co-worker, a best friend, a family member, who is the emotional companion for the husband or wife leaving the spouse with no one to share their feelings, needs and dreams.

A husband or wife who makes someone other than their spouse their “emotional companion” shouldn’t be surprised when their mate finds someone else who will make them feel complete. Emotional affairs can be even more devastating to a marriage than strictly sexual affairs with the most devastating being those that are both emotional and sexual.

One man says that his wife left him for someone she met online. He says that their 15 year marriage didn’t have any major problems; they didn’t fight, their sex life was fine. He doesn’t understand why she would have walked away from what he says was a good marriage. He said she was spending a lot of time online but he didn’t realize there was a problem he should worry about.

I have a feeling this marriage did not end suddenly or without major signals that it was in serious trouble. A woman does not suddenly decide to get on a bus to make a new life with someone she has never seen although it could happen.

There are obvious signs within all troubled marriages but it’s easier for some husbands and wives to fool themselves into believing that with enough time things will resolve themselves. As long as the unhappy spouse remains in the marriage there is an illusion that all is well. That illusion is shattered when the unhappy spouse “suddenly” decides to leave. By that time it’s usually too late to save the marriage.

History can’t be changed but there are lessons that history can teach us for use in future relationships. Getting help at the first sign of trouble is one such lesson.