This is written for wives. I’m a wife. I understand the concerns. I expect some of you gentlemen to email me with tips I can publish for husbands.
Are your husband’s actions giving you a knot in your gut? Do you have the feeling he’s trying to get the courage to ask for a divorce? Do you wish he would so that the waiting would be over?
It’s difficult to deny your instincts, particularly if you are extremely intuitive when it comes to your husband’s behavior. It’s even more difficult to deny your fears if he has been dropping hints about divorce.
Do you suspect him of cheating? Has he been secretive about his activities and less than communicative these past few weeks or months? Has he been working late, attending more out of town meetings than usual, more elusive about where he goes and who he visits when he gets there?
Does he deny that anything is wrong when all the signs point to everything being terribly wrong? Does he refuse to talk? Does he change the subject when you try to start a conversation? Does he say he needs his space? Is he old enough to be experiencing midlife crisis? Do your husband’s actions make you think he has an agenda for his life that doesn’t include you?
Waiting for your husband to make a decision that will change your life forever takes control of your life out of your hands and puts it into the hands of someone who may no longer have your best interests in mind. Listening to your “gut” and feeling that your marriage is in crisis is no reason to do anything that would cause your marriage to end needlessly.
Sometimes the outside influences will resolve themselves and your marriage will return to stable ground. Sometimes they won’t. Your immediate need is to get yourself back into control of your life. The only way to do that is to pull that control out of the hands of your husband.
If you’ve been waiting for him to resolve his problems so yours will go away, you’re not in control of your life. His problems may not resolve themselves in the direction that will make your life happier. His “solution” may destroy your marriage.
Not knowing what the future holds is stressful. Being unprepared for the future is extremely stressful. Doubting your own abilities is equally as stressful.
So…. take control and reduce the stress in your life. You may find that your attitude change may reflect favorably in your relationship with your husband. It may not. The point is, you need to get yourself to level ground so you can handle anything that’s thrown at you. Even if he says he wants a divorce.
Put together a survival plan. It can be simplistic, but following even the simplest plan helps you regain control of your destiny. What I’m going to suggest is only a starting plan. You can add to it, subtract from it, and modify it to suit yourself.
A Starting Plan…
If you feel your marriage is falling apart, don’t confide everything in family and friends. It’s difficult to impossible to repair the damage done by sharing intimate relationship problems. Join a support group, seek counseling or share your anxieties with one trusted friend who doesn’t try to “fan the flames” and make your situation worse than it is.
Don’t involve your children, no matter how old they are. Even adult children will have problems taking sides. Don’t try to make them your counselor or confidant. Most kids know when a marriage has problems, and they are quite good about recognizing which parent may be more at fault if there is fault to place.
Learn the divorce laws where you live. What do you know about your state’s child custody laws? Alimony and support laws? Property division laws?
Inventory your marital assets. Make a list of bank checking and savings accounts, stocks and bonds, retirement plans, insurance policies. Make a detailed list of property in your home as well as property you and your husband may own elsewhere. If you don’t have a key to the safety deposit box, get one.
Make sure your wills are up-to-date and that you know where copies of both wills are. If it does come time to divide your assets you’ll already have most of the groundwork done.
Put some money into a safe place. Add to it as you can — small change and a few dollars at a time. This is your “emergency fund” — just in case you should need it. You don’t have to have an immediate need or reason, but having some cash you can get to quickly will give you a feeling of security.
Keep yourself healthy and in shape. Do you have medical, dental or emotional problems that need work? Take care of them now while the cost comes out of marital funds. Join a health club, have your teeth capped. Maybe your current financial situation doesn’t allow you to do everything you would like to do, but it no doubt allows more than if you were divorced and trying to living on your settlement.
Take time to evaluate your marriage. Is it worth saving? If so, fight!! If not, relax and either initiate the divorce or be ready to see it through when your husband says he wants out.
Is it your personality to do whatever makes your husband happiest? If you suspect he’s trying to find the right time to “break it to you,” this might be the one time you’ll want to not be so eager to please. Asking a spouse for a divorce should never be easy. Don’t give him an easy out.
I’m sure you can think of a lot more ways to prepare yourself for the possibility of divorce. Please email me and I’ll add the best ideas to this list.