Recently, I talked with a man who is just starting the divorce process. I don’t know what caused his marriage to sour and I didn’t ask for details. What he did share with me is that his wife wants the divorce and he is the one who has moved out of the house they’ve shared for almost 20 years. It is a second divorce for both of them but even though he has been through the process before, this time is more difficult.
I could hear the terror in his voice as he talked about being too old to start over. He thought he had his life sewn up, latched tight, under control and predictable. As he approached retirement, he knew he and his wife would be together as a team, that she would be there to care for him if he ever needed caring for, and he for her. He didn’t expect to be alone, and, with his savings dwindling as he makes a new home for himself, he never expected to be starting over.
I asked him if he was afraid that he might end up homeless and his voice shook as he said “yes.” Despite a job that pays very well, no crushing debts, many friends, and grown children who would help out if need be, he can still picture himself living on the street.
I tried to assure him that a lot of people feel the same way, that I had the same type of fear for a year or more after my divorce. Unlike my first divorce, when I was virtually fearless as I left my old life behind, my second divorce produced a terror that turned irrational at times.
What was so different between my two divorces? Why was there no fear for one and terror for the other? It comes down to the “why” of the divorces and my financial circumstances. I wanted the first divorce, not the second. I had a solid career when I divorced the first time and my financial security was excellent. When my second marriage ended, bankruptcy was a very real potential along with loss of my home and business. Instead of being securely cocooned within a large corporation, I was entirely on my own.
Fear can be a great motivator. The fear of losing everything forced me to dig deep within myself to draw upon resources I didn’t realize I had. I watch now as other people go through the same process.
And the man who is just starting the process? I understand that his homeless fears are behind him. They no longer paralyze his life forward.