An advice columnist advised a woman to attend her son’s wedding and show class in dealing with her son’s demands regarding her role in the wedding reception. In other words, dance with her ex, pose for family pictures, smile whether she felt like it or not, and let the son have his special day. I thought it was pretty simple advice, except that:
…She and her ex were married for 23 years.
…She and her ex have been divorced for four years.
…The son is aware the marriage was physically abusive.
…The marriage did not end on good terms.
…She and her ex are not friends and do not have routine contact.
…Her ex’s live-in girlfriend is attending the wedding.
…This is the son’s second marriage.
…The son expects his mother and father to dance the first dance together.
…The son wants his mother and father to pose for traditional family photographs.
Can you relate to what this woman must be feeling? There is absolutely no way that she, her ex or the live-in girlfriend can be comfortable at, or look forward to attending, this extremely emotional “family” function.
Their son insists his mother attend and participate so that she doesn’t “ruin” his wedding day. But is his request fair to his mother or even to his father? What is “fair” in such a situation? Why would a son make such a painful demand on a parent? It will be difficult enough for her to attend the wedding, see her ex-husband with his girlfriend, and still keep her emotions in check.
Some people can be friends after a divorce, but being friends may be much more a rarity than the norm. Divorce shatters lives. It destroys good memories. It leaves a lot of battered victims within a family structure.
I guess sentiment would have to come into play when I think about a son wanting his mother and father together playing traditional roles at his wedding. However, since this is the son’s second marriage, perhaps he might have more empathy for his mother’s feelings if he put himself into the same situation in which he is asking her to place herself. Would he be as willing to “role play” with his ex if a family member demanded it of him for a family function?
Putting aside rules of etiquette, and all the things that men and women should do in a polite society, it all comes down to doing the best we can when we’re confronted with situations such as this.