Here is an email I recently received: “My best friend is involved with a married woman. She has one child and a traveling husband. Is there any way that I can inform her husband without revealing myself?”
I declined to help in her sabotage of this affair. First, I don’t believe in telling anyone something as damaging as this without having the courage to do it face-to-face. Second, telling the husband is not a guarantee that he will do what she expects him to do so that the affair is ended.
The following is a quote from Recovering From Affairs, A Handbook for Couples by Peggy Vaughan and James Vaughan, Ph.D.: “The current consensus of sex researchers is that 60% of married men and 40% of married women have an affair at some point during marriage. (The percentage of married women having affairs is continuing to increase; under age 35 both men and women are in the 60% range.) This means that affairs happen in a lot of marriages — probably upwards of 80%.”
If their numbers are even reasonably close to reality, sooner or later someone you know is going to be involved in an affair. If adultery is so prevalent, what should you do if someone you know is cheating or is being cheated upon?
Should you keep your mouth shut and watch the cheater destroy their marriage? Do you confront the cheater and threaten to expose the affair? Do you tell the betrayed spouse? Do you tell the other person’s spouse in the hopes they’ll be able to stop the affair?
As far as the person who emailed me, telling the husband would accomplish what? Get him mad enough to divorce his wife and open the way for she and her lover to make their affair legitimate? Get him mad enough to brutalize her for cheating on him? Or get him mad enough that he goes after his wife’s lover and creates havoc?
What about the possibility that the husband is fully aware of his wife’s activities? Perhaps he is trying to avoid confrontation in the hopes that she will realize everything she stands to lose should the affair be made public and end it herself. Perhaps he has his own agenda and her affair keeps her from taking notice of his affairs.
Love isn’t always blind when it comes to what a betrayed spouse “sees” when their spouse is cheating. Remaining silent is not condoning the affair. Confrontation is not the best action if the betrayed spouse isn’t ready to deal with the consequences.
It’s a fine line you walk when you know a friend’s husband or wife is betraying them and they appear to not know they’re being betrayed. Do you keep quiet and risk their wrath when they learn you knew but didn’t say anything? Do you tell and risk the results of their premature confrontation?
I believe each situation is different and needs to be judged on the circumstances although I think I’d opt for not telling if I could be sure I wouldn’t lose a friend in the process.