His wife has been physically and verbally abusive for the 15 years they have been married. Despite counseling her behaviors have not changed and he feels marriage is over. She has made threats if he goes through with a divorce and has told him he wants out because he’s having a midlife crisis. He’s worried about the children and wonders what he should do.
Is it a midlife crisis? Sometimes people need a reason other than the truth for things that happen. From what he said in his email, his reason for wanting a divorce is that after years of abuse he’s just not willing to stay in an abusive marriage any longer. He wants out. Period. His love for her died a long time ago, abuse by abuse.
His wife may not want to accept that her actions are largely responsible for the marriage ending. If she can put another name to it, such as “midlife crisis,” then it’s not her fault and it’s not his fault, it’s the fault of “midlife.”
We can try our hardest to accept the actions of people we love even when they’re unpleasant actions. But, little by little, those actions chip can away at the love we have for them and in time there is no more love left. Any changes are too little, too late.
Based upon what he said in his email, he has reached the point where his life needs changing. He has been in counseling and that should help in his decision-making. Most importantly, he must rely on himself to make the best decision for himself and his family.
Just 100 years ago, the average life expectancy was 47 years. There was no “midlife crisis” because the average person didn’t live long enough. Today, the average 40-year-old can expect to live many more decades. For men and women in dysfunctional marriages, it’s important to decide the best way to spend that future and make plans accordingly.