Generally when we think about children and divorce and the harm that divorce may have on them, the thoughts are more toward younger children. They’re the helpless ones, the ones dependent upon their parents for food, shelter, comfort.
But what about the children who look and act like adults? The older teenagers, and the adult children who have already established their own independent lives? It is the older kids, the ones who have the physical appearance of adults – and the ones who are adults – who also are emotionally harmed when their parents enter into bitter divorce battles.
According to Beth: “…Mom had already moved out and Dad was feeling low. He told me some hurtful things Mom had said to him about his sexual performance. I don’t know what I was supposed to say or do and I don’t recall saying anything, just listening. I regret to this day… listening… I’m still embarrassed… and I think he is, too. There’s an awkwardness between us that hadn’t been there before.”
As her father’s unwilling confidant, Beth became the recipient of information no should ever share with their child. As much as her father needed to talk to someone, sharing such intimate details with Beth was not the right thing to do.
Age never changes the parent-child status, it redefines the responsibilities each has to the other. This isn’t about abuse, which should not be tolerated in any form. This is about normal parent-child relationships. They are the comfort levels children in most homes have come to rely upon.
When Dean’s parents divorced, his mother felt he needed to know some things about his father. ” ‘Your father never wanted you,’ is how my mother said it. Then she elaborated how upset he was when she told him she was having another baby, how he wanted her to just get rid of it! How could a father ever feel that way about his own child?! I never knew how much he hated me.”
The bigger question, one Dean cannot see, is why would his mother cause her son such distress? When Dean finally confronted his father, he admitted he had been upset because finances were strained and he wasn’t sure how they could afford another child. His father told Dean he had regretted his words almost immediately but, once said, they became the weapon Dean’s mother needed to turn son against father. For Dean, those regrettable words from long ago have redrawn his childhood memories.
Adult children will form their own opinions about the downfall of their parents’ marriage without being drawn into their parents’ conflict. It is never appropriate for a parent to discuss intimate details with their child or dredge up past mistakes to color the child’s perception of the other parent. If these issues must be aired they should be discussed with trained counselors or others qualified to deal with such issues.