He’s newly divorced after an 11-year marriage and has been dating a woman 17 years younger than he is. They have not been intimate so far but she is living in his house in the guest room. He’s concerned about the difference in their ages.
I said:
It sounds like you’re fast approaching that really brutal time in a man’s life known as “midlife.” You still think it’s your fault that your wife messed with someone else, don’t you? That you probably weren’t young enough or good enough or something else, but it had to be your fault? You’re still in the emotional turmoil that comes from divorce, being the dumped one, the “left behind spouse.”
You need to get back to feeling good about yourself and that might take a long time. Can you keep reminding yourself that you’re really okay? Please try.
I have to ask why this new girlfriend is staying in your guest room. And then I have to ask how long you’ve known her, and if it’s been for a very short period of time, how did she end up living in your guest room? Even if you’ve known her for a long time, how did she end up in your guest room?
Right now you’re in transition from married to single. It’s important that you get in touch with the inner you. You’re also on the brink of the male midlife stuff, and that’s going to be a bumpy ride. You need to be unencumbered for all of this. With her in your home, you are putting some very severe limits on what you can and can’t do in the near future.
How can you date someone else when you’ve got this lady living in your home? And, how can you break up with this woman, gracefully and without a big mess, when she’s living in your home?
You haven’t been single in the past 11 years. You need to get comfortable with that. This new girlfriend may or may not be a “transition” girlfriend, one who will get you through a part of the process. There’s a good possibility she will not the one who will end up as your new soulmate.
She may seem to be everything you want in a woman, and she may well be. But a few months from now, as your emotions get into better shape, what if you find that she isn’t the one you want to to spend the rest of your life with?
You need to have the freedom to explore your new world, learn about yourself, expand yourself. If you don’t take the time to do this now, she might not be the one who does the rejecting when you’re 50. It might be you who walks away from her.