Jumping into the dating pool after divorce can be extremely confusing particularly for the woman who has been in a long term marriage. It may seem that the dating rules have changed, and they have to some extent, but when it comes to sex and the newly divorced woman, common sense applies.
The following are some of the questions that a newly divorced woman might ask as she ventures forth into the uncharted waters of dating after divorce.
Q: When should I have sex with my date?
A: Going on a date does not mean it has to end with sex. Not every date will be with someone you like well enough to even want to have sex with and if you aren’t in the mood or don’t want to have sex with someone — don’t! As far as when, follow your own feelings. If you think it’s too soon, it is.
You are never obligated to “pay” someone with sex for going out on a date with you. Offer to fix him a dinner or buy theater tickets if you feel the need to return the favor.
Q: The only man I’ve had sex with is my ex.
A: That’s not a liability. When you meet the right person and the time is right, the two of you will be able to explore your sexuality together. Most men will appreciate your limited sexual experience.
Q: What if he wants to have sex and I don’t?
A: Never have sex with anyone when you don’t want to. Just say no. Say something such as “I like you but I’m just not ready to take that step right now.”
You are never obligated to be intimate with someone, no matter what they want, how much they pressure you, or how much they spend on you. If he gets mad at “no,” reconsider future dates with him.
Q: What if I’m embarrassed about my body?
A: You’re not alone! Everyone, including the “perfect” people have something they don’t like about their bodies. If everything is right for your sexual encounter, he won’t be thinking about flaws on your body although he may be concerned about how flawed his body is to you!
Subdue the lighting, use a few candles (in safe holders so you don’t end up having a fire), and relax. Passion blinds us to our partner’s “imperfections.”
Q: What about condoms? Should I ask him to use one? What if he objects?
A: Condoms are a must! It doesn’t matter if he hands you a clean HIV test result, don’t get intimate unless you do it with protection! AIDS is a very serious and deadly disease. AIDS doesn’t just strike drug users or gay men. Women are fast becoming the group most apt to contract AIDS and it’s from having unprotected sex.
If you can’t talk about condoms, you’re not ready for intimacy. What could possibly be more intimate than actually having sex? It’s your body, protect it! Just one time without protection could kill you. And the AIDS virus can remain dormant for years.
If he objects to wearing a condom, even more reason to say no to sex with him. It means that he doesn’t regularly use protection. All it takes is him having sex with one person infected with the AIDS virus for your encounter with him becoming the most dangerous thing you’ll do in your lifetime.
Q: My boyfriend is really paranoid about the AIDS virus and he wants me to have an AIDS test before we have sex. I’ve assured him I don’t have AIDS, why won’t he trust me?
A: Good for him! He respects his body and he respects yours. I’m sure he’s going to have a test at the same time so you’ll know that he’s also safe. Even if both of your test results are negative for the virus, condoms remain a must. All it takes is one indiscreet encounter to become infected.
Q: Our first time together was a flop! I’m sure it was probably my fault that he couldn’t stay hard. Is there any hope for our relationship or should I just chalk it up to bad chemistry between the sheets?
A: Men can get anxious about their performance when they’re with someone for the first time and anxiety can cause erection failure. He may have been trying too hard to stay hard.
Men have the more difficult challenge during the sex act. Women’s sex organs are not so obviously “turned off” but there’s no doubt when a man’s ability has waned.
If there is more to this relationship than sex, there’s no reason to write him off. Do your best to assure him that he didn’t disappoint you and make sure he doesn’t feel pressured to give a better performance the next time.
Q: Why do I feel obligated to have sex even if we don’t know each other ‘that’ well?
A: It’s a conditioned reflect from being in a long term relationship or marriage. Certain actions in your marriage lead to certain expected responses. It will take time to develop new responses. Meanwhile, keep telling yourself that you’re no longer married and sex is no longer the required response whenever you are with a man.
Q: Our marriage may not have been so great, but my ex and I were great in bed. Why shouldn’t I have sex with him sometimes?
A: Most men are very capable of having sex for the sake of sex but most women tie emotions to the act. If your marriage is over, having sex with your ex may keep you emotionally involved in a relationship that will leave you unprepared (and unwilling) to meet new men who might be suitable life partners.
Q: It’s amazing! The first guy I’ve dated since my divorce is the man I’ve been looking for all my life! We’re absolutely perfect together and the sex is incredible! What do you think?
A: Slow down, give this relationship a chance to mellow. Most people have one or two transitional lovers when they start dating. Maybe that’s not the case with this new man of yours, but maybe it is.
Lust can be a powerful stimulant that disguises itself as love. Unlike love, lust diminishes over time. If this relationship is based on lust but not love, time will tell.
Q: I need sex! Can’t I get a “fix” with an occasional one-night stand? What harm could it do?
A: Unfortunately, there is no “risk free” sex when it involves another person. Not only are there emotional risks, there are devastating STD risks with casual sex. And, there’s also the potential that your reputation will be damaged by indiscriminate sex, even in this very sexually enlightened world of ours.
Why not pleasure yourself when the need becomes too strong to ignore? Self-pleasuring is the way to keep from making unwise moves that could have dire consequences. And, it’s one of the best ways to find your body’s particular pleasure points which you can share with a new sex partner when the time is right.