When I ran into a husband and wife who knew my ex and I during the last year of our marriage, during the time when it was coming apart, she asked if my recent successes gave me a sense of revenge for that marriage ending the way it did.
I thought a moment and then laughed and asked, “How could I have written a book and been a guest on the Today Show if we’d remained married?” My divorce changed the focus of my life and took it in a direction it never would have gone had my marriage survived.
Survival was foremost in my mind for the first couple of years after my divorce. It was the first time in my entire life that I was solely responsible for me. Until that time, there had always been someone, parents or husbands, who managed the money and provided a sense of security.
Before, during and after my first marriage, my career with a large corporation provided financial security. I left that career when I married for the second time. When that marriage failed, I was self-employed and my company was in deep financial trouble. I barely had time enough in the week to keep my business afloat in order to pay my bills much less spend time plotting revenge or wallowing in regret. A second job took care of the rest of my time.
Terror of losing everything propelled me forward. Of course life would have been easier if I hadn’t had to work so many hours but I don’t think I would have learned as much about myself if there hadn’t been so much of a struggle.
My accomplishments since then would not be so sweet, if they would have happened at all. I have met many people whose lives took exciting new directions as they redefined themselves when their marriages failed.
I’m a firm believer that all things happen for a reason and that a person can dwell on the past and the “what might have been” or step firmly into the future, despite the obstacles. It’s a choice we each make.
And how did my friend respond to my answer? She nodded her head, turned to smile at her husband, and said he occasionally reminds her that without their prior divorces, they would never have met and married.
I think the best revenge is moving on and making a success from what you’ve gained, not what you’ve lost.