She says her husband is “one of the best human beings any person can meet.” There’s just one problem: he has no interest in sexual intimacy. She says that for the past several years they have had a “best friends” kind of marriage. She wonders if divorce is her only answer.
I said:
If I am correct in reading between the lines, you and your husband do not have a satisfying sexual relationship. If this is the case, this is not a small issue. If, on the other hand, you do have a good sexual relationship but he just doesn’t do the “flowers and candy” bit, this is relatively minor.
What type of relationship did you have when you were first married? If things have changed since then, when did they first start to change? If he never was on the same track as you in this matter, why did you decide to marry? If you can find the beginnings of the problem, you’ll be closer to reaching a solution.
Once again approach him to discuss the situation. Since he doesn’t see it as a problem, it may not be one for him even though it is for you. You must not make it appear to be his problem or it may create a “performance” problem to add to the current situation. Tell him that the physical thought of him makes you want him so much and you’d like the two of you to set aside some special time for intimacy. Don’t discuss how it used to be or make comparisons.
Reach for him in bed. Be the aggressor. If he draws away or wants to stop, make every attempt to not take it personally.
If you husband truly does not have an interest in sex, there may be a physical or psychological reason that a doctor or properly trained counselor could determine. Perhaps something in his past is hindering his enjoyment. Or perhaps he has an undiagnosed disease or illness that is a factor.
Is there stress from his work or other areas in his life that would inhibit him sexually? While some men might find a release through the sex act, stress kills the desire and libido of many others. Are you succeeding in your career while his is on hold? That can be a libido killer.
This is not a minor issue and I can understand why you would not want to remain in a marriage that was not sexually fulfilling. It is, however, worth trying every possible avenue, including pleasuring yourself, before dumping such a good man for this reason alone.
Whatever you do, do not discuss the matter with family or friends. And do not compound the problem by seeking sexual intimacy elsewhere.