His long-term marriage ended when his wife left for her cyber lover. He was left to take care of their three children. He has since remarried while his ex’s life has gone from bad to worse. Now she’s trying to extract revenge on him for moving on without her and he’s worried that she will use the children as pawns in her continuing vendetta against him and his new wife.
I said:
Divorce isn’t going to be a pleasant event whereby both parties walk away and there are no ill feelings. A long term marriage is too much of a time and emotion investment to forget “what might have been” or “what should have been” when the marriage ends, regardless of the reason.
Yes, your ex is going to be angry. What she thought she wanted has turned to ashes. That’s not your fault but you’re the person she’ll despise, and your new wife is the next logical target. This is certainly not uncommon. Now your children become the pawns in this terrible game of wills. She wants them for her own reasons and you want them for yours.
No matter how much your new wife tries to take the place of your ex-wife, she cannot turn herself into your daughters’ mother. They have a mother, albeit one who you might consider “flawed,” but she is their mother. She is the one who gave birth to them and took care of them for most of their lives. She has earned her status of “mother” to them, regardless of her own personal inadequacies. Nothing your new wife does can change these facts.
Children should never be required to “choose” a parent, it is unfair and emotionally damaging to them. Divorce, no matter how amicable, will cause the children pain (adult or not). Don’t compound their pain by dragging them into the middle of a power struggle with your wife or into a battle between your ex and your new wife.
Second marriages have their own problems, many of which involve the baggage of past relationships. It takes maturity to deal with everyting a partner brings into a marriage which is why a lot of second marriages fail.