She confided that her husband had an affair several years ago. She suspected he was cheating at the time the affair was going on but it wasn’t until a year ago, after the affair had ended, that her husband acknowledged it. For the past year they have been trying to repair the damage to their marriage but she is having a difficult time.
Two people betrayed her: her husband and a woman she considered a ‘best’ friend. Her friend was married at the time of the affair and the couples spent quite a bit of their free time together. During the year or so that the affair was going on the foursome continued to get together socially.
When her husband finally acknowledged the affair had actually happened it was a virtual slap in the face to think that her good ‘friend’ could be so deceitful.
I don’t know if her marriage will be able to survive this affair. She cannot move past the fact of the betrayal, she is afraid to trust her husband for fear he will betray her again, and she is almost obsessed with the friend’s actions of so long ago.
It has been a year since everything came to light and despite her husband’s apologies, tears and declarations of love she cannot put closure to his betrayal nor can she forgive him. She must forgive him in order for this marriage to survive.
Even as we talked she got tears in her eyes as she thought about the two of them together and I assured her that if she didn’t forgive her husband and if she didn’t put this into the past she would be putting her marriage in jeopardy. By continually bringing up the past she is reopening and rehashing an event that her husband is powerless to change.
I asked her why she didn’t expose the affair when it was going on since she had so many clues as to the who, when and where. She said she didn’t because she was afraid her husband would leave her for the other woman.
I asked her what would happen if he were to have an affair now and she said she would make a new life for herself without him. She no longer has the same fears of not being able to survive without him.
She toys with the idea of revenge, getting even, letting him see firsthand how much pain he caused her. If she takes this approach there is little doubt in my mind that she will effectively destroy any possibility for her marriage to continue. Her wish for revenge is normal even if it doesn’t make it right.
She might have been more able to forgive a one night stand but knowing that her husband and this woman spent more than a year together causes her the most grief. It’s not so much the sexual issue as it is the emotional bond her husband shared with this other woman that continues to hurt and anger her. And she feels rage over the false friend who betrayed her.
I hope she’ll be able to put this into the proper perspective since she and her husband have been married for a lot of years and he genuinely loves her even if his adultery caused her to believe he doesn’t.
© Pat Gaudette. All rights reserved.
Order Pat’s books from Amazon.com: How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from the Midlife Wives Club and Midnight Confessions: True Stories of Adultery.