A Controlling Husband

She has been married for three years to a man she says is cruel and controlling. She says he feels his job is to make the money and pay bills while her job is to take care of the home, their two children, and him. When she tries to tell him there are problems, he won’t listen. Recently, a diagnosis of lupus has her thinking of divorce although when her parents’ marriage ended, she vowed she’d never put her own kids through a divorce.

I said:

If you are unhappy, if you are questioning your marriage, if you are confused about what to do next, if you are unable to get your husband to understand your needs, yes, you have problems.

I’m going to make a lot of women angry when I say that if he works and brings his paycheck home, and you do not have a job outside of the home, then he is partially right about housework being your job. If you DO work outside of the home, then he needs to share household chores with you.

I realize the lupus is compounding your situation, particularly since you have young children who require so much of your time. You need some help. Do you have family or friends who could take the children for a few hours once in a while and give you some time for yourself?

Your childhood is having a very bad effect on your adulthood. You had no control over what happened between your parents but you are accepting the guilt of that happening. It was not your fault! You haven’t healed from that pain and until you do, you will not be able to be happy with yourself, or lead the life which you deserve. Counseling could help.

Do you understand the difference between making a promise that you can keep because you have control over the circumstances, and making a promise that may be impossible to keep? If you had control over your husband, which you don’t, you could change him to meet your needs. Then you could keep that promise. You can’t control what he does. You can only control your life.

You will be less depressed when you understand that sometimes we have to break promises because they’re not good for us. When you are stronger, more in control, showing more strength than weakness to your husband, able to stand up to him and tell him what you need instead of begging for him to understand, then your marriage may stand a chance. This is the power within you. Search for it, find it, develop it. Good luck.