Is It Too Soon For New Love?

I’m 28 years old and my husband of 2 years (partner of 6 years) died unexpectedly three months ago. Now I find myself in a really confusing emotional state, as I’m starting to have strong feelings for someone new but at the same time am still grieving for my husband.

What complicates things more is that the person I’m falling for is someone I met four months before my husbands death. We hit it off immediately, and ended up spending a lot of time together as friends. He also had a girlfriend of a few years.

I started to develop a crush on him, and I felt guilty about that. My husband was so trusting, he never minded me spending time with J, and the two of them got along great. I was confident that my crush would fade and we’d all be friends… even though J’s girlfriend apparently told him that she didn’t like me… it was odd because she was always so nice to me! I guess she was, understandably, jealous. I was making a special effort to include my husband and J’s girlfriend whenever we hung out. And things were going kind of OK…

Well. Then, the worst happened. My husband passed away, and I was completely overwhelmed. I felt so incredibly guilty, like I had taken him for granted. All I wanted was for him to come back. I cried, and grieved. J tried to contact me a couple of times, offering me his condolences, but I didn’t stay much in touch with him.

Finally, a few weeks ago, I saw J at a get together at a mutual friend’s house. It was really nice to see him, and get to talk to him again. I asked him if he wanted to have lunch one day and catch up. He said, sure, and called me a couple days later to invite me. Well… during this lunch he announced to me that he had broken up with his girlfriend, she moved out of his apartment, and felt the need to offer me 1,000 explanations for why (they fought a lot, they were unhappy, etc)… things he had never told me before, so I was a bit shocked. I just listened and try not to be too nosy… but I couldn’t help but think the sudden breakup, and his need to announce it to me, meant that he had feelings for me.

A few days later he sent out an event invitation to a group of our friends, I ended up attending and flirting with him the whole time. Since then (which was about 2 weeks ago) I’ve been hanging out with him almost every day, and this past weekend our relationship escalated to a more intimate level…

So, I guess it would seem that everything is going great. But I feel guilty on so many levels… One, is I still think about my husband all the time, and feel bad for being with someone else. Two, is that as a widow it seems socially unacceptable for me to start a new relationship so soon… I’m worried about what friends and family will think. Three, I feel bad for seemingly breaking up J’s relationship, his girlfriend is also nice person and she must be hurting.

With all these negatives, does it make sense to pursue this relationship? Am I not thinking straight? Any advice would be appreciated! Thank you so much!

In my opinion, and strictly my opinion, you’re not giving yourself enough time to grieve your husband’s death. Regardless of whether or not you were totally in love with him when he died or starting to fall in love with someone else, any death will have an impact on your emotions. That needs to be resolved before you can expect to start a new relationship. Again, just my opinion.

As far as what anyone else thinks, anything you do won’t stop others from forming their own opinions. But, you aren’t the center of their worlds, just yours. Your actions might make you one of the topics of conversation when family or friends get together but you won’t be the only topic.

As far as J’s ex? Let her get on with her life. She doesn’t need your sympathy.

Sorry I can’t offer any better thoughts about this situation. As far as your question, I personally think it’s a little early to pursue the relationship. ~ Pat